โน i keep what i have only with vigilance โบ
Posted: Sat, Jan 1, 2011 09:28:37 AM
what is it exactly that i have, that is worth keeping? is it the material things that i have accumulated as a result of my financial resources not being used to obtain the ways and means to get high? is it the relationships i have formed as a result of coming to the program? is it the sense of peace i get when i do not have to remember the lies i have told and to whom i told them? is it the relationships with my loved ones that are no longer strained by me having to hide what i am? or is it the whole package, all of the above and so much more?
without a doubt it is all of that. when i came to recovery, i was a shell of a person, lacking the ability to care, to love or even live a life that was not clouded by the chemistry i willingly took every day to face the world around me. on the outside, my life did not that bad. those appearances, deceiving as they were, were part of my attempt to deny what and who i was, and where i was going. i treasured the sweet release of oblivion, and the dearth of feelings that i could achieve, with just one more. and yet, even back then, i felt somewhere deep inside of me, that there could be more to my life, all i had to do is…
since being forced under duress to come to the rooms of the fellowship, i have found a new way of living that was beyond my wildest dreams. i know i have written about the hell that was my experience of early recovery. i know i have written about my journey to finds the fellowship to which i always belonged. i know that i have written about the gamut of human emotions that i have learned to allow myself to feel. all of that is old news, and does not bear repeating in any detail this morning. although i hate to say it, I NEEDED to go through all of that to arrive at the place where i am today. that place, while not always the brightest, most spiritual or happiest place in the world, is the gift that i cherish most. today, i may touch the life of someone else, and it may not hurt them or me as a result. i am getting clues about who i am, and most importantly where i can go. i have the gift of choice this morning. it is up to me, what this day may bring, active addiction, untreated disease or active recovery. each of those choices, carries its own price and prize. each of those choices are mutually exclusive in the moment but can be made at any time in my day. honestly, i know i go between active recovery and untreated disease each and every day, and that is just part of being human. i could beat myself up with the stick of the spiritual principles, and oftentimes, the addict within does just that, telling me because i acted out, it is evidence that the changes that have been manifest in my life as a result of recovery cannot and will not last. man, is that an insidious thought as there is more than a tinge of truth in that lie. here is where the vigilance, spoken about in the reading this morning kicks in. the part of my i call my addict, seems to sense it cannot just plain lie to me anymore. the end result is, the addict within uses the language of recovery, and the ideals that i strive to live by, as a weapon against me. as intelligent as i may be, i am mostly defenseless against this sort of attack. the FIRST STEP comes home to roost, and once again i have to concede that i am powerless and make a decision to seek power from outside of me. the insanity of the lies i tell myself, can only be countered by the POWER that fuels my recovery, and that POWER provides me all that i NEED to stay clean today, when i avail myself to IT. whether it is an addict with three weeks clean that stumbles across my blog, the addict with minutes clean, who wants his car cleaned out, or those who have become part of my life. they are the vehicle that channels that POWER to give me what i most desire, another moment clean.
man, i have gone down quite a path this morning. perhaps this whole new cycle of 365 days is what is allowing me to wane so philosophically. i guess what i really need to say, is that thanks to this fellowship i can recover today, and as a result i can be more than i was yesterday. i am grateful for all i have been given, and i think that while i believe i am ever vigilant, i will step it up a bit more today, just to see what happens. today is a gift of recovery and the POWER that fuels that recovery. today i think i will live like my dawg did; loving without conditions and forgiving without limits, and see how i can celebrate another day clean.
without a doubt it is all of that. when i came to recovery, i was a shell of a person, lacking the ability to care, to love or even live a life that was not clouded by the chemistry i willingly took every day to face the world around me. on the outside, my life did not that bad. those appearances, deceiving as they were, were part of my attempt to deny what and who i was, and where i was going. i treasured the sweet release of oblivion, and the dearth of feelings that i could achieve, with just one more. and yet, even back then, i felt somewhere deep inside of me, that there could be more to my life, all i had to do is…
since being forced under duress to come to the rooms of the fellowship, i have found a new way of living that was beyond my wildest dreams. i know i have written about the hell that was my experience of early recovery. i know i have written about my journey to finds the fellowship to which i always belonged. i know that i have written about the gamut of human emotions that i have learned to allow myself to feel. all of that is old news, and does not bear repeating in any detail this morning. although i hate to say it, I NEEDED to go through all of that to arrive at the place where i am today. that place, while not always the brightest, most spiritual or happiest place in the world, is the gift that i cherish most. today, i may touch the life of someone else, and it may not hurt them or me as a result. i am getting clues about who i am, and most importantly where i can go. i have the gift of choice this morning. it is up to me, what this day may bring, active addiction, untreated disease or active recovery. each of those choices, carries its own price and prize. each of those choices are mutually exclusive in the moment but can be made at any time in my day. honestly, i know i go between active recovery and untreated disease each and every day, and that is just part of being human. i could beat myself up with the stick of the spiritual principles, and oftentimes, the addict within does just that, telling me because i acted out, it is evidence that the changes that have been manifest in my life as a result of recovery cannot and will not last. man, is that an insidious thought as there is more than a tinge of truth in that lie. here is where the vigilance, spoken about in the reading this morning kicks in. the part of my i call my addict, seems to sense it cannot just plain lie to me anymore. the end result is, the addict within uses the language of recovery, and the ideals that i strive to live by, as a weapon against me. as intelligent as i may be, i am mostly defenseless against this sort of attack. the FIRST STEP comes home to roost, and once again i have to concede that i am powerless and make a decision to seek power from outside of me. the insanity of the lies i tell myself, can only be countered by the POWER that fuels my recovery, and that POWER provides me all that i NEED to stay clean today, when i avail myself to IT. whether it is an addict with three weeks clean that stumbles across my blog, the addict with minutes clean, who wants his car cleaned out, or those who have become part of my life. they are the vehicle that channels that POWER to give me what i most desire, another moment clean.
man, i have gone down quite a path this morning. perhaps this whole new cycle of 365 days is what is allowing me to wane so philosophically. i guess what i really need to say, is that thanks to this fellowship i can recover today, and as a result i can be more than i was yesterday. i am grateful for all i have been given, and i think that while i believe i am ever vigilant, i will step it up a bit more today, just to see what happens. today is a gift of recovery and the POWER that fuels that recovery. today i think i will live like my dawg did; loving without conditions and forgiving without limits, and see how i can celebrate another day clean.
∞ DT ∞