Blog entry for:

certain that i am still an addict. no one waved a magic wand over me as i was sleeping my way into this new year, nor did i take a pill to relieve addiction. even though i have thousands of days of continuous clean time, i have worked a few rounds of the twelve steps and i am still connected to the program, none of that has changed that very basic fact of life ⇒ i am an addict and my name is Don. it is evident from the way i see the world and my place in it, that i still suffer from a deeply ingrained sense of entitlement and self-obsession, but the telling fact is that when i consider using, it always starts with a gummy or two and escalates through a progression of “oh, that will not be enough!”
unlike some of my peers, i do not live in abject fear of relapse nor do i refrain from using non-narcotic pain relievers. when i have a medical need, i take pain meds as prescribed for the shortest time possible. i do guard my recovery by staying out of places and situations where i know there will be drugs being used. i do my daily maintenance and when things get weird i call one of my trusted closed mouth friends or my sponsor and let them know what is up and ask for their insight. more importantly i take that input and apply it to my life. all in all not a bad plan for living and certainly all the hallmarks of being vigilant about my recovery.
what i heard this morning as i sat was that waiting for someone to make amends for their misdeeds was going to keep me in a state of less than stellar spiritual health. allowing them to have power over how i feel and how i act is not going to make me any “weller.” in fact it will keep me in a cycle of pain and misery that may break through my cycle of vigilance and drive me to the place of “FUCK IT ALL!” to be vigilant today, means that i have to let go of my expectations of others and realize that they probably are more than clueless about what i am waiting recompense for. in fact, they probably have rationalized and justified away any responsibility for what they did, so do not see the need to speak of it ever again. be that as it may, just for today, i can resolve to continue to take care of myself, physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. what that means in the here and now, is dress out and hit the streets for a run. finish taking down my Christmas lights and enjoying some ADHD football on the red zone. today i can and will be e=secure in my recovery program and wish everyone who happens to read this far a happy, prosperous and fulfilling New Year.

∞ DT ∞