Blog entry for:

a credit to them instead of an embarrassment or a burden.
as i sit am sitting here this morning, staring at a blank palette, i so want to let go of what i have to get done this morning and write something that is both poignant and pithy, and that is the problem. when i write this from my head, instead of from my heart i end up going places that i should not, after all, pone of my favorite clichés is that i am in a bad neighborhood when i am alone in my head. so give me a moment to stop and breathe and get in touch with what i am feeling…
…so a quick trip down memory lane. when i used i did my best to avoid my family. it was part of keeping my separate lives, separated. i had my work life, my family life and my social life, and i did my best to make sure that they did not intersect. every time they did, the results were bad, and the evidence, as i saw it, encouraged me to keep the distance between them as great as possible. if you had asked me, i would have said something about how i was embarrassed by how not like TV families, my family was not. i now know, it was me that i was trying to hide from my family, so i could look like something i was not.
by the end of my active addiction, the only place i could get a job was at my family's business, and the intersection of those two worlds was almost too much for me to handle, so i used even more.
coming to recovery, i was ashamed to admit that i was an addict and a criminal, to my parents and the rest of my family. that i used was not that big of a shock to my siblings. to my parents the amount and frequency of my use dismayed them, once i came clean, so to speak with them. ♥
this recovery journey has been one of many strange twists and turns for me, one of the strangest was learning how to do this relationship gig. early recovery was very demanding on my time, and although i was becoming closer to my family, i actually saw less and less of them, as i got further and further disentangled from the legal system. sure i was there for the crises as they arose. yes i was there working, and i mean actually working for them, but it took almost seven months before i really started becoming a part of my family instead of apart from them.
enough about there and then, here in the present, i am learning how to be present for them, and that means willing to give them the time and effort they truly deserve, not just lip service. truthfully my service work consumed the time i NEEDED for my loved ones, and stepping back from service, especially committee service has allowed me to see what is really important. as corny as it may sound, i feel this morning,, that giving my love and my attention to those with whom i share my life is far more important than anything else in my life. the irony here, is that as i am writing this, i now know in my heart, what decision i need to make. i was asked to become a vital part of planning an event for the fellowship, and i now know that although i have the desire, i lack the willingness to do so. i desire to spend that time rebuilding the relationships that i have been given, as still to this day, my involvement with the fellowship still takes time away from those i love.
i have discovered the proper number of meetings for myself. i have been given the proper number of sponsees, now it is up to me, to discover the proper amount of time and energy i NEED to devote to my loved ones and give it without conditions and reservations. all of this is a good thing, and although there is probably more in me to write about this morning, i think i will leave it at that and get cracking on the pile of work i have on my desk. it is a great day to be walking the path of recovery and time for me to engage with my life full force. so off to the salt mines i go.

∞ DT ∞