Blog entry for:

and yet, has given me so much more.
i got quite a gift yesterday afternoon, i was headed over to Boulder in the afternoon and got caught in the parking lot, known as traffic, that was exacerbated by ice and snow. instead of being patient and going with the flow, i decided to try and be smarter than the masses and get around the mess. what ended up happening was i spent two hours trying to go that original mile and could not even come close to living up to my commitments. the gift? self-will, will always make things worse. when i stepped out of listening to what was going on, and tried to force an outcome, i was to say the least more than a little stymied. i get that this morning, although i was fuming yesterday, blaming everyone and everything except my BAD decision-making process. sitting here this morning in the glory of hindsight, i saw that everything was in place, all i had to do was let go, relax and move with the traffic. yes i would have been late, and yes i would have had to shorten what i wanted to do, but it would have got done, instead i now have to make a second trip over there later today or tomorrow. and maybe that is what it was meant to be, BUT i tend to think that is not the case. so it goes…
just like my frustration at this cold, and my clients and on and on, i can see that there are always more than one way to move forward. the message i am getting is that IF i allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to work in my life, i will get what i NEED and sometimes that may actually be what i WANT. without a doubt THIRD STEP stuff, which would appear to mean it is time to hook up with my sponsor and move into this step.
i could go on and on about this particular gift, but i think i have other fish that need to be fried this morning, as the old bromide goes.
looking over the titles of my blogs about this topic, i can see that i have gone in lots of different directions about this reading. what i feel this morning, is a sense of gratitude, that not one person FORCED told me what i would become, once i started living a program, with the single exception of being freed from my obsession and compulsion to use. they were spot on about that. they also made no predictions about what gifts i would receive, or more importantly which gifts i would accept. they gave me the HOPE, that freedom from addiction, would set me on a path to become the best person i could be, BUT that path would be fraught with choices that only i could make. each time i choose, the path before me changes, sometimes in an easier softer way and sometimes quite harshly, as i discovered yesterday. i am not one of those who has the idea of destiny or even predestination is active in my life. although i sometimes like to think that there are reasons why i am in recovery, i coming to see, that is only my own peculiar versions of grandiosity. i am here because i am powerless over addiction and my life is unmanageable. i am here, because the behaviors i exhibited in active addiction brought consequences. i am here because there were people involved in those consequences that believed that i was worth being saved, for whatever reason. they gave me the opportunity to choose a direction in my life, that i have never regretted. they gave me the gift of a SECOND CHANCE at life, and although i could chalk that up to a HIGHER POWER or destiny or whatever, what i do feel this morning is that whatever their motives or reasons were, way back when, i GOT to walk this particular path.
anyhow, yes the promise has come true, i am free from active addiction. yes i have received many gifts, and continue to do so. and yes, as a result of choices and those gifts there are things i need to do. so in a spirit of gratitude i will get moving on those things and see what i can get done, before i lay my head on my pillow. it is after all a good day to be clean, and Joe T, i am sending my best wishes out for you, i hope that you get better soon and can once again be a part of our efforts to carry the message.

∞ DT ∞