Blog entry for:

have to use drugs again, JUST FOR TODAY! too many of my peers neglect the part of that statement that follows the comma and to their own peril, in my not so humble opinion. there may not be any sort of meritocracy based on clean-time in this fellowship, but for this addict, the word “never” brings up all sorts of issues, not the least seems to be that long term clean time seems to imply that one “deserves” something “more.” in my experience, what long term clean time has given me, in an anchor to the single promise of FREEDOM from active addiction and nothing more, anything else, is just gravy. which sort of brings me around to what i “heard” as i sat and listened this morning, specifically that i am doing the next correct thing, without really thinking about it. that next “right” thing? building my skills, responding politely to the recruiters and paying attention to what is going on in my heart and my head. i truly want to take a day off and indulge in a bit of gaming or binge watching TV, BUT i know that will not serve me as well, as going to my on-line training and doing the gig, just for today.
i had an interview with a perspective employer yesterday afternoon and i “passed” the audition and get to move on to the next round. that means i have to continue to prepare myself, for the truly technical part of the hiring process. time and again, in the past, i thought i knew enough that i could basically slide my way into my next position. what i have discovered over the course of the past nine months, is that i do not know enough and that just as i have to live a program of recovery, i NEED to live in a place where i expand my skills and allow what i do not know to become second-nature. this morning, after i exercise inside, i will fire up the laptop and head to the cigar store for another day of grueling training. what i heard this morning was that IF i want the sort of life i had fourteen days ago, it would behoove me to address the issues that led to the circumstances i find myself in, right here and right now.
the gift i get directly from the fulfillment of the promise is the ability to suit up, show up and take responsibility for my life. i do not have to hide my motives behind a wall of spiritual camouflage or rationalize and justify what i am doing, as all that i am doing is for me and me alone. it is true that those in my life reap the rewards of my responsible living. part of that life, right here and right now, is to slider on down to the Rec Center and get some miles under my belt. it is a good day to be fit, physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. that is a gift of the FREEDOM i was promised, when i first got clean and that is still coming true, just for today.

∞ DT ∞