Blog entry for:

the steps are the principles that make MY recovery possible. yes, i really do toe the party line here comrades! i do believe that the steps, AS THEY ARE WRITTEN, exactly as they are written, are the only reason i still am here today, musing about the steps. what does it all mean? well, i certainly have performed experiments on osmosis in the real world. the process of getting substances to pass through semi-permeable membranes because of a difference in lots of variables. using that particular metaphor may not be a bad way to get rolling this morning.
in osmosis demonstrations, one usually sets up a container containing water and separates into two or more isolated chambers with some sort of membrane, sheep skin, saran wrap or even wax paper. the trick is then to change the concentration of a substance in one of the isolated portions, and see how the other reacts. if the dissolved substance is small enough to pass through a porous membrane, the substance will migrate to the so-called clean chamber and increase the concentration there until an equal concentration of the dissolved substance is in both chambers. if the membrane separating the chambers is not porous, or the pores are smaller than the dissolved substance, nothing will change.
so the rooms of the fellowship is the large container here, the recovery of each of its members is the dissolved substance in varying concentrations, and my mind is the membrane. quite honestly, when i first came to recovery, the permeability of that membrane was questionable, i was closed-minded about recovery, the steps and anything you guys were offering. i have seen many walk into the rooms like this and leave before their ‘pores’ had a chance to expand. as i became more open-minded and the membrane achieved some permeability, the language of recovery seeped in, and i became quite good at saying the exact right thing, and even at making it look like i was behaving in the exact right manner. that was the result of going to sh!tloads of meetings. i was the most dangerous type of participant in the fellowship, one who looked like a winner, when he was actually not. this is the sort that goes undetected by newcomers, who see them as their type and want to emulate them. go to meetings and look and sound good. HOWEVER, no matter how open my mind became, recovery is far too large to permeate through any membrane. abstinence, language, emulation of behaviors, are all the results of “ASSmosis”, no real recovery. it was not until i actually started working steps, and not just talked about them, that the concentration of recovery, started to increase within me. i finally started to see who i was, and that it was not the drugs that were the problem, in fact i never had a drug problem at all, I HAD A LIVING PROBLEM, and drugs were a solution as well as a symptom of a much more subtle, vile and pernicious process within me, namely ADDICTION. the only way i have found to combat the process of ADDICTION is through working, applying and living the 12 steps. now i cannot say that is true for everyone, BUT (and this is really a big one) i have never seen an addict hang out in the rooms for more than five years without working a step. one, two, three or even four on sheer willpower, yes, but never half a decade. that does not mean that it cannot or will not happen. i know for me, practicing ASSmosis, was the most painful and miserable time in my clean time. i was jealous and envious of the members who were doing this gig, because they were happy and getting better. i had the desire to use, and only external threats kept me clean. worst of all, no matter how hard i tried to look like those who were living recovery, i never could, and i lived in the FEAR of my fraud being discovered. my solution? i started to work steps and have never stopped. it is true that my step work does not proceed at the pace it once did. it is true, that although i hate to admit it, i only do step work when the pain of doing so is less than the pain of not doing so. i do have a daily maintenance program that includes daily step work, because i have worked the steps, lived the steps and found a manner to integrate them in to my life.
yes i know, the steps, the steps, the steps, BLAH, BLAH BLAH…
id you are already here, you will agree, if not, well i am certain you will find one or more loopholes in what i have written to disqualify yourself from recovery, like white-knuckling it another two years so you can exceed that half a decade mark and prove me wrong. be my guest, prove me wrong, i cannot give you what i have through a membrane that lacks permeability, as much as i may want to. i do know that i was miserable when i came here. abstinence made me more miserable, even when i started to look and sound successful. the only route out of that misery, at least for me and thousands like me, is the STEPS and this morning i am grateful i have found that path.
anyhow, time to get off my soapbox and take a brisk walk around the neighborhood, it is a great day to be clean and most importantly choose to live in ACTIVE RECOVERY.

∞ DT ∞