Blog entry for:

i have probably stopped doing one or more of the things that helped me in the earlier stages of recovery.
okay, there are more than a couple of ways i can go with this topic this morning. i know i have used this as a bully pulpit to beat up on old-timers and not so old-timers who i once respected but discovered they were nothing but wind bags.
feels so good to take a stab at the defenseless, i think i will head on out to new work on myself. yes, another direction i can go is to berate and beat myself for thinking that i, too, know enough about recover and the process, that i am now capable of being a teacher and have nothing left to learn from anyone else.
that also feels like enough of that particular path for the day. what that leaves me is what this new unapproved piece of literature keeps saying -- that in the rooms of this fellowship we ARE all equals, each of us capable of being the student as well as the teacher. that is a concept that i can wrap my head around this morning, leaving all the other crap behind.
I AM AN EQUAL.
so if i find myself in trouble in my recovery, the answers have to come from that pool of equals. the real problem is that i often the last to realize that i am in trouble, and as i get worse and worse, i mistake what the body of equals is telling me, because after all, i know better than those fVckers, they must be jealous of my clean time to be saying such sh!tty things to me. the truth is far from subtle, i am fVCKED, as i have now cut myself off from the very source of my recovery, those equals who are the only people in this world that understand me and for the most part accept me as i am. the path now diverges into greater isolation and spiritual demise or into swallowing my overblown ego, and humbly returning to an attitude of being teachable. a classic dilemma problem, and one that i have arrived at more than once in my recovery. in fact, i am sitting on the horns of a very similar dilemma right now, or better put i was. i am HOWEVER, finally listening to what the POWER that fuels my recovery is trying to tell me through those equals, that truly are my equals and not some sort of caste based on clean-time. what i am hearing is that yes FAITH is tough. yes, SURRENDER is even tougher, but if i want to continue to get the gifts that a life in recovery has to give me, THAN I MUST DO THE TOUGH WORK, man up, suit up and move into FAITH for real, not just pay it lip service with trite clichés and bromides. the door in that spiritual wall needs to be painted, as it is the only way out, and i believe that today i can take the brush in hand and actually accomplish that task, the living in PATIENT FAITH, waiting to see what happens? well that too will be part of what i NEED to do, to move forward.
the FIRST STEP has taken hold once again, i am seeing the insanity of what i have been thinking and how i have been behaving, so all that bis left is to develop a bit of HOPE, and FAITH.
enough of what was and what will be, this morning i am feeling a little anxious about my journey to Montana and a bit apprehensive about where this whole new FAITH thing is taking me. needless to say, i want to act out, instead of being present for my feelings and letting them pass. i know i will be okay and even better, all i have to do is let the POWER that fuels my recovery do IT's job and that is where i am in my step process as well. it is off to the streets for a long run to clear my head and take care of my physical self today. i can and i will be a better man, if i surrender to the process and more importantly live in the FAITH that it works.

∞ DT ∞