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is a trap, at least for me. after a bit of time clean, it is true that i have accumulated a treasure trove of information about addiction, recovery and how to live a program of recovery. as valuable as that may be, in keeping me clean up to this point, i can see myself falling for the notion that, that knowledge is enough to keep me clean tomorrow. part of this trap, is the bit about how well i can play the false humility card. every single time, i start to share about how much i do and do not know, i am walking a fine line between conceit and manipulating others into believing how humble i am. what i DO know, is that i am an addict and am powerless over addiction.
i also know that i suffer from lapses in believing that to be true. i am a “flat-earther” when it comes to addiction, from time to time. regardless of what ii have seen and what i have uncovered in my journey through this process, i ignore the reality and grasp for the smallest of straws to prove a case that has never been true. oops, almost did a dive into politics rather than focusing on what i have come to see as reality in my life. it is easy for me to see the trappings of a “normal” as signs that i have gone far enough in my recovery journey. that somehow, i am smarter than m,y peers who have more time in the program than i do, and that i should join the masses of those who one were part of a recovery program and stepped out to enjoy the “gifts” of their new lives.
i could go on and on, but i am certain i have hammered my point home ⇛ i can be delusional about my state of being and use what i have learned as a weapon against my ongoing desire to stay clean, yet another day. i skipped the mid-day meeting yesterday, because i wanted to get something done at work. the excuse i ham dreaming up for skipping the one today, is that there are not enough of my peers, who are going to show up on a Tuesday., based on the attendance figures for the past few weeks. there it is ⇛ knowledge being used against me. this morning as i step out to get my workout complete, i think i may take a suggestion and wear my knee braces and allow myself the freedom, to NOT know what it is best for me.

∞ DT ∞