β i would have had nowhere else to go if i was unable β
Posted: Wed, Aug 3, 2011 08:34:49 AM
to trust the members and the groups of the fellowship i call home.
i really was incapable of trusting those very entities when i was around the program those first seven months. as a result, i continued to use when i could, lie about using and act as if i was in recovery. after all, treatment provided me the language and the behavior set to model and emulate. my intent was never to really get clean, just hide out here until the winds of the justice system settled down and i was free to go my merry way.
i share those facts often for a few reasons. the first and most important, is for me. i forget what a shlub i was way back when, because like all good human beings, i use my capacity to alter my memories of the past, to comfort myself. IF i cease to remember the actual man that walked into the rooms, i could come to believe that this is how i have always been. one thing i remember was that when i started to think that those very members were worth trusting, i also assumed none of them were ever as sick as i was. i see that same assumption being made about me today, and i the irony of that warms me to the cockles of my heart. so if a newcomer can mistake my current state for a steady state, i can quite easily twist what i see in the mirror before as the man who once walked into the rooms, hung out and did his best to figure a way out of the primary suggestion, not to use no matter what.
seven months, seemed like forever at the time, and what was left of my three year sentence seemed like an eternity. not using was not part of my plan, i just needed to be clever about it and i was right up until the end. since i was doing my best to put one over on the membership, why would i believe any different of them? man was i a twisted fVck in those days. when i got caught and when i had to 'fess up to all my behaviors to those very same members and groups, i had my first taste of humility. i would love to say it was sweet or even bittersweet, BUT it was the most foul and disgusting thing i ever had to do, at least in my experience to that very moment. that was the moment that i HAD to start to trust, because i had just proven where i was going without the help of the members in the fellowship, straight to prison with my FULL sentence left to serve. for the most part that trust has never been betrayed. the groups and the membership have given me a manner of living that is beyond any that i ever had before. they have introduced and foster a process that transform me through a life free from active addiction into something i always wanted to be. the few members that have violated my trust, i now chalk up to the human condition, as there are very few humans who are absolutely and completely trustworthy 100% of the time, and i am certainly in that very elite minority.
anyhow, had i not been able to learn to trust them ion the very beginning, i know not where i the road would have taken me, except to say that i would not be writing this entry right here and right now. as the clock is creeping past 7:30 and my possible workout partner has not called nor shown up, i think i will wrap this up with this thought: it was those very members who taught me to be trustworthy because they DID NOT betray my trust, i modeled their behavior and for that model i am grateful, as it still provides me the core of my recovery today.
i really was incapable of trusting those very entities when i was around the program those first seven months. as a result, i continued to use when i could, lie about using and act as if i was in recovery. after all, treatment provided me the language and the behavior set to model and emulate. my intent was never to really get clean, just hide out here until the winds of the justice system settled down and i was free to go my merry way.
i share those facts often for a few reasons. the first and most important, is for me. i forget what a shlub i was way back when, because like all good human beings, i use my capacity to alter my memories of the past, to comfort myself. IF i cease to remember the actual man that walked into the rooms, i could come to believe that this is how i have always been. one thing i remember was that when i started to think that those very members were worth trusting, i also assumed none of them were ever as sick as i was. i see that same assumption being made about me today, and i the irony of that warms me to the cockles of my heart. so if a newcomer can mistake my current state for a steady state, i can quite easily twist what i see in the mirror before as the man who once walked into the rooms, hung out and did his best to figure a way out of the primary suggestion, not to use no matter what.
seven months, seemed like forever at the time, and what was left of my three year sentence seemed like an eternity. not using was not part of my plan, i just needed to be clever about it and i was right up until the end. since i was doing my best to put one over on the membership, why would i believe any different of them? man was i a twisted fVck in those days. when i got caught and when i had to 'fess up to all my behaviors to those very same members and groups, i had my first taste of humility. i would love to say it was sweet or even bittersweet, BUT it was the most foul and disgusting thing i ever had to do, at least in my experience to that very moment. that was the moment that i HAD to start to trust, because i had just proven where i was going without the help of the members in the fellowship, straight to prison with my FULL sentence left to serve. for the most part that trust has never been betrayed. the groups and the membership have given me a manner of living that is beyond any that i ever had before. they have introduced and foster a process that transform me through a life free from active addiction into something i always wanted to be. the few members that have violated my trust, i now chalk up to the human condition, as there are very few humans who are absolutely and completely trustworthy 100% of the time, and i am certainly in that very elite minority.
anyhow, had i not been able to learn to trust them ion the very beginning, i know not where i the road would have taken me, except to say that i would not be writing this entry right here and right now. as the clock is creeping past 7:30 and my possible workout partner has not called nor shown up, i think i will wrap this up with this thought: it was those very members who taught me to be trustworthy because they DID NOT betray my trust, i modeled their behavior and for that model i am grateful, as it still provides me the core of my recovery today.
∞ DT ∞