Some memes

my best hope. who might **THEY** be? my peers, acquaintances and friends that are in the fellowship, those recovering addicts who ARE doing their level best to live a program, even if the best they can do is work one. i could spend another entire blog entry, tracing over my path of learning to trust, i will not though, as it is as boring and empty as someone with ninety days, preaching to me and all in attendance about what we should be doing, instead of telling us, what they do and did. it may be instrumental, provide a modicum of insight, but in the end, it would be a waste of my time and effort, and yours. so thinking about coming to trust and what that means to me, however may be illustrative of how this set of steps has transformed me.
just like most of my peers in recovery, i was not trustworthy when i walked into recovery. since i knew that fact, i assumed that those i shared my recovery were also not trustworthy. there was a certain honor among the thieves i hung with, back in the day, but trusting them with my belongings, my reputation or my back, for the most part, was a very risky proposition. learning to trust, someone, anyone, has certainly been a process for me.
back to the point i am trying to make. when i started this set of steps, i had a story that rolled through my head, telling me i was too flawed to allow anyone else in my life. i had a few very close and deep relationships, but everyone else would have to settle for the bare minimum. i saw myself as a bucket that had a crack in it ¾ of the way up, so once love reached that level, it would spill out. that being the case, it was safer for me and those in my life, to cherish what i had and leave the rest by the wayside. just to be clear, when i say “story” i mean lie. having come to the conclusion that i was broken, i settled for less, and seemed quite content. what that story is really all about, as a result of taking this set of steps, is my desire not to want to trust anyone else, after all humans are flawed, unreliable and bound to disappoint. those who were already in my “love bucket” had proven themselves to be trustworthy “enough.” everyone else? well they could audition for inclusion, but i was probably going to say “so long, and thanks for all the fish.” as i have grown through this process, i see that the only person i was hurting was me. i was afraid i could not be reliable; i was afraid that others would see how flawed i am; and those already in the bucket already had learned to love and forgive me for being human. it was not a problem with capacity, it was a problem with willingness. i have since learned, that i have an infinite capacity to love, even those who seem to think they may have the “golden path” to recovery, at less than a year clean.
if everyone is human, flawed and at times severely flaky, how can i trust anyone? well the fact is, if i dwell in the house of cynicism, and i certainly do, i lower my expectations and move along. i can allow others, especially my peers into my life and grow a relationship built on a level of mutual trust. as that level of trust grows, we become more than just peers and if not, well at least it was not because i closed the door with the lies i tell myself. sometimes, however, no matter how much i let go, i still feel slimy and dirty after hanging with someone, even someone who professes to “have” recovery gig down. sadly, in those cases, it is me who must reserve judgement, allow myself to follow my heart and continue to give the benefit of the doubt, because as i have uncovered, most of the time it is me, and not them.
am i worthy of trust today, you bet your bippy. are my peers in recovery worth trusting as well? just for today, i can say yes. will i disappoint myself or someone else today? possibly. my best effort, however, may keep that from happening, after all, i better than the flaky, using, shifty addict that walked into the rooms.

∞ DT ∞