โ what i need to remember is that **justified** resentments โ
Posted: Fri, Apr 27, 2012 09:12:01 AM
are just as burdensome as any other resentment and the sum of all of those resentments still weighs upon my spirit.
so yes, i am on a personal day, edging into my activities for today. i do have a few things planned and am looking forward to doing a whole lot of very little. just like the rest of the world, i NEED to take a day or two every now and again, just for me. the worst thing of this morning is that i had to turn down a side job, because i can actually see what working most of every day, cramming in my recovery life as well as my social life, between work, is doing to me. the result of meeting my commitments over the past week, has been that i am grumpy, irritable and more prone to act-out in all sorts of unsavory behavior. not to mention, the topic of this blog, i have caught myself forming a resentment or three and polishing the ones that are rolling around inside my noggin, rationalizing way my need to do anything about any of them, except allow them to bit by bit consume my serenity and make me that much sicker. like the ongoing melting of a glacier, the changes are not readily apparent in real-time, but when i look at it over a longer time scale, i certainly can see if i continue down this path, i certainly will not like the end result.
which of course brings me back to what action i NEED to be taking. all of the daily maintenance stuff i do, certainly is not bad, in fact, that is probably why the slide is more gradual than it has ever been in the past. of course another symptom of how i am doing, is using my lack of doing the “pen to paper8221; work as yet another sign of how “sick” i am, and feeds the lie, that IF i can never recover, than my life will continue to go downhill and eventually I WILL use, so what exactly is the point anyhow? i mean, seriously, i might as well, give it up now, take that first one and enjoy the slide, instead of fighting the entropy and inertia of addiction. following that line of thought, i might as well indulge myself in all those activities that feel good, after all, i am going to die someday, so i might as well do everything and anything i can to bring it about that much sooner.
it is there that i finally see the absurdity of that whole argument. yes, it was a bit of hyperbole, but not really that far off the mark for this addict. the GOOD NEWS is that recovery has given me enough self-respect and enough love for msyelf, that today, i can see that i am WORTH the effort it takes to recover and yes live a lifestyle that is rewarding, fun and even <GASP> healthy for me. recovery gives me the desire to live and most importantly do the work i NEED to do, to become the man i have always dreamed of becoming. i understand the effects of stalling on a step, and now that the reading is clearing the grunge from my head i can see that the only person standing between me and what i want to become is of course me! so as i prepare to head out and take care of a bit of physical fitness, perhaps i can finally see, that my spiritual fitness needs a bit of exertion as well. the aerobic part of my spiritual practice is in fine shape, it is the training part that needs to have some effort put to it,namely by writing the friggin inventory that i have been doing my best to dismiss, for all, these months. i know the choice is still mine and perhaps as the day progresses, i might actually put some time to it. who knows. what i DO KNOW, is that i want EVERYTHING life has to offer me today and that does mean i HAVE to do what it takes. right now? time for a run around the 'hood, after all, physical health is no less important to em than my emotional and spiritual health and i know what that takes these days.
so yes, i am on a personal day, edging into my activities for today. i do have a few things planned and am looking forward to doing a whole lot of very little. just like the rest of the world, i NEED to take a day or two every now and again, just for me. the worst thing of this morning is that i had to turn down a side job, because i can actually see what working most of every day, cramming in my recovery life as well as my social life, between work, is doing to me. the result of meeting my commitments over the past week, has been that i am grumpy, irritable and more prone to act-out in all sorts of unsavory behavior. not to mention, the topic of this blog, i have caught myself forming a resentment or three and polishing the ones that are rolling around inside my noggin, rationalizing way my need to do anything about any of them, except allow them to bit by bit consume my serenity and make me that much sicker. like the ongoing melting of a glacier, the changes are not readily apparent in real-time, but when i look at it over a longer time scale, i certainly can see if i continue down this path, i certainly will not like the end result.
which of course brings me back to what action i NEED to be taking. all of the daily maintenance stuff i do, certainly is not bad, in fact, that is probably why the slide is more gradual than it has ever been in the past. of course another symptom of how i am doing, is using my lack of doing the “pen to paper8221; work as yet another sign of how “sick” i am, and feeds the lie, that IF i can never recover, than my life will continue to go downhill and eventually I WILL use, so what exactly is the point anyhow? i mean, seriously, i might as well, give it up now, take that first one and enjoy the slide, instead of fighting the entropy and inertia of addiction. following that line of thought, i might as well indulge myself in all those activities that feel good, after all, i am going to die someday, so i might as well do everything and anything i can to bring it about that much sooner.
it is there that i finally see the absurdity of that whole argument. yes, it was a bit of hyperbole, but not really that far off the mark for this addict. the GOOD NEWS is that recovery has given me enough self-respect and enough love for msyelf, that today, i can see that i am WORTH the effort it takes to recover and yes live a lifestyle that is rewarding, fun and even <GASP> healthy for me. recovery gives me the desire to live and most importantly do the work i NEED to do, to become the man i have always dreamed of becoming. i understand the effects of stalling on a step, and now that the reading is clearing the grunge from my head i can see that the only person standing between me and what i want to become is of course me! so as i prepare to head out and take care of a bit of physical fitness, perhaps i can finally see, that my spiritual fitness needs a bit of exertion as well. the aerobic part of my spiritual practice is in fine shape, it is the training part that needs to have some effort put to it,namely by writing the friggin inventory that i have been doing my best to dismiss, for all, these months. i know the choice is still mine and perhaps as the day progresses, i might actually put some time to it. who knows. what i DO KNOW, is that i want EVERYTHING life has to offer me today and that does mean i HAVE to do what it takes. right now? time for a run around the 'hood, after all, physical health is no less important to em than my emotional and spiritual health and i know what that takes these days.
∞ DT ∞