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for what they are and letting them go, seems like a very good reminder to this addict today. okay, although i hate to admit it, i am one those who relishes resentments. i take pleasure in holding on to the slings and arrows i perceive being sent my way and obsessively plot my all too sweet vengeance of the perpetrators, regardless of who they may happen to be. that is one of the reasons, this reading never made much sense to me, from the very start, as i knew i had resentments and my job was to learn to let them go.
in what appears to be a very rough segue, i read an article this morning about the conservatives whining about how they are losing the “culture” wars, even though they are in political power. what they do not realize is that they lost that war a long time ago and by choosing disingenuous purveyors of misogyny, homophobia and intolerance to carry their banner, they are putting themselves deeper into the weeds. the fact of the matter is, white male privilege is on its way to the dustbin of history as its demographic and cultural support is eroded away. i really find it very “snowflake-like” hearing people whine about not giving their “guy” a chance when i had to put up with eight years of flat-out racism and disrespect of my “guy.” i can say this, my “guy” may have far from perfect, but he never bragged about grabbing a woman by the genitalia and getting away with it, and never paid off a porn star(s) to keep cheating on his marital partner on the down-low. for me, this is a question of character and if one wants to be respected, perhaps it is time to choose a better person to carry your banner. it is my assertion that their guy won, because of clever manipulation of the images of cultural relevance and now they are too embarrassed to admit that perhaps they made a mistake. as the term “fake news” loses it cachet with more and more people. perhaps they will put forward a candidate that has some ethics and one that that actually lives by conservative white-bread American values. i find it ironic that those who consider themselves closest to GOD, rush to the defense of a man who spits in their face, with every deed, word and tweet. quite honestly they are certainly losing more hearts and minds every day and doing very little to help their cause. every act of disrespect or rollback of human decency is yet another nail in the conservative agenda coffin.
and now back to my regularly scheduled topic!
yes, i came to the rooms full of resentments and well-steeped in the process of creating more. i believed i was entitled to certain things and when i did not get them, i whined loudly and incessantly about how unfair life was and plotted the ways and means to secure what i thought was already mine. i could twist the facts to meet whatever agenda i needed and lived in a world of “fake news” in my head. all of you were out to get me, and it was my mission in life to get mine, even if that acquisition was deferred by a couple of minutes, a couple of days or a couple of decades. my standard bearer was an intellectual bully, who sough out the weaknesses in his opponents and hammered at them, until he left them in pieces on the floor. and yet, i wondered why i could not build any relationships, maintain any friendships or why no one ever wanted to hang with me. i scorched the earth of those around me, and salted the plain and worst of all, felt quite entitled and justified to do so. coming to be a member of this fellowship, i was startled about having to say out loud, the truths i had long ago accepted. without a doubt, the beginning of the end of that culture war was well at hand.
the principles of recovery, chipped away at my pillars of support and when the wall of denial came crashing down, i saw living in a self-righteous world of fantasy was keeping from getting what i truly desired, a connection to the rest of the world. i was so wrong about so much and so blind to how wrong i might have been, that i had grown to accept that i would be alone for the rest of my life, and perhaps that was not such an bad thing at all. today, i am grateful that i have had my covers pulled and i GET to recognize that most of my resentments are the result of me not getting something that i believed i AM entitled to have. once i get to that place and see that as narcissistic and ego maniacal, i can take the next step and release it, just for today.

∞ DT ∞