Blog entry for:

to straighten out one or another of the kinks in my thinking that developed in active addiction. of course the reading goes on to list some specifics, so i think i will choose a different direction today, as that is what i WANT to do. yes, that may be self-will, or maybe even a HIGHER POWER's will for me, it really doles not matter as i am on a roll.
something i heard at a meeting yesterday, came echoing back as i listen to what was happening inside this morning. it was said that the spiritual principles espoused at meetings and that are so liberally sprinkled throughout all that the program has to offer are ancient, and the fellowship has not created anything new. i actually have no problem with that notion, as the religious writings that are literally as old as dirt, are filled with the exact same words and concepts. in fact, it really is not much of a jump, to trace the fellowship back to one of those major religions, as the trappings of that sect are still hanging out, visible for all to see. i, however, digress. where i was going, was that although the words are the same, and the definitions of our spiritual principles are very similar, it is in the interpretation and application that the program differs, and not in a bad way. humble to those religions, really does mean servile. to humble one's self in the eyes of God, means to bow low and ask what one can do. i have no clue, where being humble came to mean knowledgeable of who one is and accepting of all that is one's self. it, means that i can acknowledge my assets and allow myself to shine, but i need not be embarrassed by my defects, and can allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to morph or remove them, as needed for me to continue on my journey to becoming the man i have always wanted to be.
honesty means more than not bearing false witness against my neighbor or not stealing. it means more than how i interact with the world, in my experience it is way of behaving and after a while a manner of being. my only do i not lie to the those around me, i allow myself to admit the truth of who and what i am to myself, and live as that person. excellent work when i can find it.
this list can go on and on, and the point here is not to dispute the age or origin of the spiritual principles that ARE the program that has given me a new way to live, rather to settle in my own head, what it is i am really doing here. can i have FAITH, that if i put forth the effort, i will find another full-time gig, or is that a test of my FAITH, imposed upon me, by the forces within? will i be capable, of accepting whatever it that comes down the pike, or is that just smoke and mirror to hide my real feelings of disappointment and disillusionment. can i allow others to see me spending less, and living more frugally, or will i have to live in a manner i want everyone to think i CAN live, while wondering where my next meal is going to come from? as you can see, the application of these spiritual principles in all my affairs, leads me into dilemmas that the addict with can use to separate me from the POWER that fuels my recovery and the expression of that POWER, that is the fellowship and the program that has given me the opportunity to even consider all these deep and quite meaningful questions.
what i DO know and am certain of, this morning, is that IF i do the next right thing, for myself as well as for the world in general, i will get whatever it that i NEED today. part of what i need today, is some road work even though i really do not want to run, after all there IS work on my desk that NEEDS to get done, and i only have so many…
as you can see, i can twist whatever i want to whatever i happen to need to fit my momentary desires. living for a quarter of century in that mode, takes time to change back into a better way of life. today, i can honestly say that i am grateful, that the path i am choosing is one that ancient or not, is allowing me to be a full participant in my life and the world that i just happen to find myself in, after the haze has lifted and i can see a little more clearly where i have been and where i just might be going.

∞ DT ∞