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it is the condition i truly seek for myself, a reflection of my highest dreams.
and how does this come about? what i am discovering is that as my life, my thoughts, my actions and my reactions adapt to the spiritual principles of the program, i move towards that condition. that process however is not without a bump or two along the way. what i am discovering once again is that when my internal landscape is undergoing major changes, i am not a very spiritual person. i find myself being intolerant of the behaviors of others, even those behaviors i accepted yesterday. i find myself being judgmental of my friends and reading motives into their actions, even though i once could accept them as they were, without having to ascribe motives and agendas to their every breath. i know that what i am doing is a reflection of what i am doing to myself, namely i am being intolerant and judgmental of myself as i enter this period of visible change, but i lack the courage to own that behavior and i transfer it to the many others with whom i share my life and my recovery.
in my addiction, this would have been the start of the "ex-ing" process. i would be finding reasons why i no longer needed so and so in my life and would have begun to distance myself from them. i can understand this process even better now, it is a manner of keeping me away from the fellowship of those who might actually help and accept me.
at this point in my recovery, i believe what is happening is that the changes have been accumulating within for a period of time, and like an earthquake that energy is released in a single burst of painful, tumultuous growth. the symptoms i am experiencing are just the precursor to the spiritual tectonic shift that is going on, and i am resisting the change of the shape of that internal landscape, all the while the pressure to shift is building. so understanding what is going on is only part of the exercise, the hardest part for this addict is allowing the shift and reshaping to occur and move on, and i do not know about you but, allowing change too happen has yet to be added to the shape of my thoughts, maybe this time....

∞ DT ∞