โก when i find myself complaining that :
Posted: Tue, Dec 18, 2012 07:52:43 AM
**they do not know how to share,** or **it was another whining session,** it IS an indication that i need to take a good, hard look at how i share.
i am amazed at times, how quickly i seem to forget, and yet every time i hit this day, i go back and read the entry where i expressed grief over the loss of my friend and canine companion Odin. yes it has been two years, and although i am not bawling, i did tear up when i looked over the topics on this page, and remembered what i felt like on that day two years ago. no need to revisit all of that, yes the pain of loss is still there, but as promised it has faded across the gulf of days between. now that i have shared that here, i guess i will not need to share it at the meeting tonight.
which is a bit of a choppy segue into what i heard when i finally quieted down enough to listen to what was going on inside of me. it is my last day at KP, and i do have to go down to Aurora, today for my final set of meetings and to turn in all of their property. i am sad about leaving, i mean i was just getting the hang of how all of the application i am working on, is put together, but i am also excited about getting on a tracjk that leads to a full-time job and perhaps my exit from the contracting world. ironically, the first day in months when i need to be in an office, also looks like the first major snow event of the season, maybe that is a sign that i need to reconsider, that i am not supposed to move forward with my life into a more secure spot and that any plans i have about adding some security and yes paid time off are just pipe dreams. talk about looking at the world through self-centered eyes, GOD speaks to me through the weather! seriously who the fVck do i think i am anyhow. again another topic explored and eliminated from what i may need to share tonight at the meeting.
what will i share, if anything? if i follow the suggestion from the reading this morning, i will have no idea what i will share until i get there. i know i have something to give, and sometimes all that i want to say, comes out as a string of bumper sticker clichés. other times it comes out in a violent spasm of vile spew, as i get rid of and process the venom within me. and sometimes, it is spiritual and conforms to the suggestions given in the reading this morning. with all of that in mind, perhaps i can start to actually see, that if i share that way, how can i expect anyone else to share any differently. like me, they are only human and are addicts whop are doing their best to stay clean, just for today. like me, they are learning how to deal with the seemingly infinite variety and combination of feelings, that is part of the gift of being clean. and like me, they have their good days and bad ones, and they need to process all of those as well. with all of that in mind, as i prepare to hit the showers and get ready to work, i can be assured that if i allow myself and others to be human, i will feel grateful that i heard something i NEEDED to hear, even if i think it is…
i am amazed at times, how quickly i seem to forget, and yet every time i hit this day, i go back and read the entry where i expressed grief over the loss of my friend and canine companion Odin. yes it has been two years, and although i am not bawling, i did tear up when i looked over the topics on this page, and remembered what i felt like on that day two years ago. no need to revisit all of that, yes the pain of loss is still there, but as promised it has faded across the gulf of days between. now that i have shared that here, i guess i will not need to share it at the meeting tonight.
which is a bit of a choppy segue into what i heard when i finally quieted down enough to listen to what was going on inside of me. it is my last day at KP, and i do have to go down to Aurora, today for my final set of meetings and to turn in all of their property. i am sad about leaving, i mean i was just getting the hang of how all of the application i am working on, is put together, but i am also excited about getting on a tracjk that leads to a full-time job and perhaps my exit from the contracting world. ironically, the first day in months when i need to be in an office, also looks like the first major snow event of the season, maybe that is a sign that i need to reconsider, that i am not supposed to move forward with my life into a more secure spot and that any plans i have about adding some security and yes paid time off are just pipe dreams. talk about looking at the world through self-centered eyes, GOD speaks to me through the weather! seriously who the fVck do i think i am anyhow. again another topic explored and eliminated from what i may need to share tonight at the meeting.
what will i share, if anything? if i follow the suggestion from the reading this morning, i will have no idea what i will share until i get there. i know i have something to give, and sometimes all that i want to say, comes out as a string of bumper sticker clichés. other times it comes out in a violent spasm of vile spew, as i get rid of and process the venom within me. and sometimes, it is spiritual and conforms to the suggestions given in the reading this morning. with all of that in mind, perhaps i can start to actually see, that if i share that way, how can i expect anyone else to share any differently. like me, they are only human and are addicts whop are doing their best to stay clean, just for today. like me, they are learning how to deal with the seemingly infinite variety and combination of feelings, that is part of the gift of being clean. and like me, they have their good days and bad ones, and they need to process all of those as well. with all of that in mind, as i prepare to hit the showers and get ready to work, i can be assured that if i allow myself and others to be human, i will feel grateful that i heard something i NEEDED to hear, even if i think it is…
∞ DT ∞