Blog entry for:

on those around me by gaining a new outlook on myself.
well it does feel good to be back home and sitting in front of my computer writing this, this morning. vacation was wonderful and i really cannot believe that there was a time in my life when i thought permanently enforced relaxation was something i would want as part of my life. yes, i used to dream about being a member of the idle rich, with the emphasis on both parts, ides, as in not having to work and rich, so i could enjoy being idle. ah those were the days, when all i had to stress over, was where i was going g to get my next fix from, how i was going to obtain it, and what would i have to do, to do so. work and earning money was just part of that equation and the ironic part was, there was never enough of anything, especially when i was on vacation.
sitting here, on this die of that line in the sand, it all looks so ludicrous to me now, i wonder how a person like me, that has a bit of intelligence and a bit of street smarts,, could get caught in such a heinous trap and sucked down to the lowest part of his life. all the while being so fVcking clueless about what his life really looked like. yes a bit of remorse to chew on this morning as i finally get back to the point i was going to make.
this is one of those readings that i can honestly say i “like,” even from the very beginning, as it gave me the smallest bit of HOPE, when HOPE was hard for me to find. the irony of everyone else getting better as i did, never escaped me, and it was the HOPE of me getting better that finally drove my program of recovery from FEAR based to HOPE based. of course i want to get better and i really do not give two hoots, if anyone else does as well. as cynical as that sounds, if i start to really desire that everyone gets this and gets better i will end up bitter and disappointed. desire, for me, leads to all sorts of untenable situations and needs to be held in check. yes i desired those a$$holes who chided me about spilling more than i ever drank, to shut the fVck up and actually say something that would help. you know what, i got better, realized i had grown beyond the scope of their recovery program and found one that presented me with an unlimited opportunities for growth. yes i desired a college education, a career that i loved, money in the bank, and the ability top love and be loved, and as i grew, as i learned to practice a program of active recovery, i GOT all of that and so much more. those others? well, i no longer care about how sloppy they were in their days of active addiction, i HOPE that they too, are learning how to recover, just for today. just like me, i know that the answer is before them, and just like me, they can get as well as they want to, one day at a time,. all they have to do, is walk the path they are walking, practice their program of recovery, actively in their daily lives and voilà, they will get what i have got, way of living that is beyond my wildest dreams.
so off to get the dawg, put some money in the bank, clean up the only bit of work i have to do today and see what trouble i can avoid, by doing the next right thing! be well my friends, i am certainly going to do my best to do the same.

∞ DT ∞