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i have stumbled across at least one person i just can not stand. in fact, currently there is one or two of my peers that make me cringe when i hear **my name is...**
oc course, to expect them to get any better is really more or less a fantasy, as there is probably nothing wrong with them in the first place. i may think that they are laziest, most entitled, self-absorbed and self-obsessed member of the fellowship, and perhaps they are, BUT it is not up to me to force them to get any better. no what the reading spoke to me about, is working my program, allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to remove or mitigate my character defects and detect when my shortcomings are in effect and do what i can to eliminate their effects on the world around me.
however, using my reaction to the cliché-buckets and the ‘you-ought-to’ shares is just one of the ways i can detect areas in my personal recovery program that need some of my attention, today. part of my new round on TENTH STEP questions is asking if the behavior of someone triggered a strong emotional reaction in me, read: “pissed me off.” yes, i have a personal program of recovery, that is directed by and stems from the PROGRAM of recovery, that i have been given over the years i have been clean. i am not addicted to things or behaviors, i am just an addict, not afflicted by anything in this regard. i also seem to have developed quite a judgmental nature about how this recovery gig needs to be done, and anyone who strays, well they are just not doing it correctly. i may understand why one would want to separate all their behaviors into discrete bits to be worked upon, but i would wonder why would one make all that effort, as in the long run, in my opinion, it all boils down to one thing ADDICTION. for me, my intolerance and judgementalness, stems from a whole bunch of stuff, the most important being, i want to set myself up as an expert by repeating the clichés and telling everyone, how they should do this recovery gig. i want to be the big man in the room, the one everyone turns to and i want to HAVE all the answers. nothing new here for me, just as dose of low self-esteem and a lack of seeing that being an expert in this area of my life, only leads to pain and suffering in other areas.
sure i could quote chapter and verse from the literature. sure i could pray for those i find annoying or rude. sure, i could a whole lot of meditating and fretting over whether or not i need to admit i am wrong OR i can just let go, quietly address what is going on inside of me, with the 12 STEPS and guidance form my peers and sponsor, and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to take care of the rest. what i am hearing as i come towards the end, is yes i can get better and by extension my opinion of those who i cannot stand today, will get better as well. they have nothing, it is me that needs and desires the change, so i think i will do what i can to foster that growth today.

∞ DT ∞