my recovery is a miracle
Posted: Fri, Jul 9, 2004 05:05:44 AM
i could say that i am still a mess and that nothing has changed
that would be a lie
i have learned many things in the course of this process and one of the most important is that i no longer need outside validation that i am on the correct path
does this mean that i do not desire this?
not yet!
however the desire to seek outside validation has greatly diminished
today i know who i am and exactly what my assets and liabilities are.
i can be a friend, a lover, a sponsor, a brother or a son exactly as i am. i do not have to be anyone else in any of those roles
i can be constant and true to myself without any wailing or gnashing of teeth
although i go through life in many different roles with a different set of expectations for each, does not mean that i have to be any different than i am.
self-worth and self-acceptance are among two of the many miracles that this program has worked in my life, and i am truly grateful for these gifts. i do not need external trappings to show who or what i am.
now of course i am back to the same old conundrum, i still sometimes want those status symbols; attention, affection, and validation. basically, although i have learned to be myself,
this process is far from complete.
those in my life know today that i can show up and be present, but that i can still be a sh!t and act out.
i am just a garden variety addict. my disease, character defects, and shortcomings are still present. the true miracle is despite this i can go through life causing a minimum of pain and chaos. i can be honest with those in my life and let them know what i am feeling. however,today the choice is mine whether i express myself in a hurtful, brutal manner or choose my words and actions with diligent care and concern for those i happen to share my life with.
i no longer need to be everything for everyone, i can be who i am and let them make the decison for themselves as to the nature of our relationship.
i am grateful that today i am who i am and that if i continue on the path i have been walking i will be who i will be.
that would be a lie
i have learned many things in the course of this process and one of the most important is that i no longer need outside validation that i am on the correct path
does this mean that i do not desire this?
not yet!
however the desire to seek outside validation has greatly diminished
today i know who i am and exactly what my assets and liabilities are.
i can be a friend, a lover, a sponsor, a brother or a son exactly as i am. i do not have to be anyone else in any of those roles
i can be constant and true to myself without any wailing or gnashing of teeth
although i go through life in many different roles with a different set of expectations for each, does not mean that i have to be any different than i am.
self-worth and self-acceptance are among two of the many miracles that this program has worked in my life, and i am truly grateful for these gifts. i do not need external trappings to show who or what i am.
now of course i am back to the same old conundrum, i still sometimes want those status symbols; attention, affection, and validation. basically, although i have learned to be myself,
this process is far from complete.
those in my life know today that i can show up and be present, but that i can still be a sh!t and act out.
i am just a garden variety addict. my disease, character defects, and shortcomings are still present. the true miracle is despite this i can go through life causing a minimum of pain and chaos. i can be honest with those in my life and let them know what i am feeling. however,today the choice is mine whether i express myself in a hurtful, brutal manner or choose my words and actions with diligent care and concern for those i happen to share my life with.
i no longer need to be everything for everyone, i can be who i am and let them make the decison for themselves as to the nature of our relationship.
i am grateful that today i am who i am and that if i continue on the path i have been walking i will be who i will be.
-- DT --