♣ some of my shameful secrets plagued me for so long, ♣
Posted: Sun, Aug 4, 2013 09:24:11 AM
and i have tried so many times to rid myself of them, that i have stopped hoping for relief.
yes that is a bit of an exaggeration these days. there was a time when my secrets and the shame that was stored inside of them was overwhelming. BUT, after four, count 'em, FOURTH STEPS the quantity of secrete i still have has been reduced to practically nil, which has removed the need for all of my shame-based behaviors. i say practically, because, i am quite certain, that over time, as i clear away more of the detritus of a quarter century of using, more will be revealed to me. that is a self-evident fact, because as an addict in active addiction and even in mere abstinence, i still live a secret life. only a life of active recovery, allows me to live in the open and be who i am, without fear of being found out for something i am not.
moving on…
although the topic of shameful secrets is a good one, and one that i could spend some more time on, this morning, what i heard went down a different track yes. i am going out on a tangent here and looking at the behaviors i used to negate and cover my shame, after i got clean. more than once in my early recovery and even from time to time now, one of the “crypto-secrets” that i buried in my past, emerges to confront me. it would be wonderful to say that i instantly call my sponse or a closed-mouth friend and spill my guts. yes that it would, HOWEVER, the truth is, i do my level best to hide it. first from myself, by looking at whether or not it is reality, or just something i made up to beat myself up with, as that is what i have a habit of doing. many times, it is just that. a reinterpretation of something i did, thought or felt, that the part of me i call addiction uses for self-abuse. in those times, that are really not so rare, when i look back with a discerning and skeptical eye, and find that yes, there is fire to match this smoke, my first reaction to cover it up. is there any real evidence? if there is, i NEED to reach out and destroy it. does anyone else remember the event, or am, i safe stuffing it back into the vault? finally, i certainly cannot allow anyone see me fretting about this, so time to front my best recovering addict, fart some daises and see if i can let this disappear back into the mists of time that it came from. once it is safely ensconced under everything else, i can let go of the shame it causes me to feel and BOOM i am as good as new, just a walking time bomb, waiting for the shame bomb to explode all over someone who is not even part of what happened.
my default behavior is what the four SIXTH and SEVENTH STEPS are freeing me from. instead of doing all of that, i can and often do, talk my my sponse or one or more of my closed-mouth friends about what has popped up. yes i would love to say that this is mu new default behavior. no this is a behavior i have to summon up to defeat my FEAR of looking less than someone else. once i exercise a bit of courage to do so, then and only then am i free to become the man i have always wanted to be. after all my shortcomings are those aspects that make me fall short of that vision and default behaviors are whats drives those shortcomings. it however time to shower off and get some work done today. i will remember that if i want FREEDOM from active addiction, all i have to do is allow the steps to do their thang.
yes that is a bit of an exaggeration these days. there was a time when my secrets and the shame that was stored inside of them was overwhelming. BUT, after four, count 'em, FOURTH STEPS the quantity of secrete i still have has been reduced to practically nil, which has removed the need for all of my shame-based behaviors. i say practically, because, i am quite certain, that over time, as i clear away more of the detritus of a quarter century of using, more will be revealed to me. that is a self-evident fact, because as an addict in active addiction and even in mere abstinence, i still live a secret life. only a life of active recovery, allows me to live in the open and be who i am, without fear of being found out for something i am not.
moving on…
although the topic of shameful secrets is a good one, and one that i could spend some more time on, this morning, what i heard went down a different track yes. i am going out on a tangent here and looking at the behaviors i used to negate and cover my shame, after i got clean. more than once in my early recovery and even from time to time now, one of the “crypto-secrets” that i buried in my past, emerges to confront me. it would be wonderful to say that i instantly call my sponse or a closed-mouth friend and spill my guts. yes that it would, HOWEVER, the truth is, i do my level best to hide it. first from myself, by looking at whether or not it is reality, or just something i made up to beat myself up with, as that is what i have a habit of doing. many times, it is just that. a reinterpretation of something i did, thought or felt, that the part of me i call addiction uses for self-abuse. in those times, that are really not so rare, when i look back with a discerning and skeptical eye, and find that yes, there is fire to match this smoke, my first reaction to cover it up. is there any real evidence? if there is, i NEED to reach out and destroy it. does anyone else remember the event, or am, i safe stuffing it back into the vault? finally, i certainly cannot allow anyone see me fretting about this, so time to front my best recovering addict, fart some daises and see if i can let this disappear back into the mists of time that it came from. once it is safely ensconced under everything else, i can let go of the shame it causes me to feel and BOOM i am as good as new, just a walking time bomb, waiting for the shame bomb to explode all over someone who is not even part of what happened.
my default behavior is what the four SIXTH and SEVENTH STEPS are freeing me from. instead of doing all of that, i can and often do, talk my my sponse or one or more of my closed-mouth friends about what has popped up. yes i would love to say that this is mu new default behavior. no this is a behavior i have to summon up to defeat my FEAR of looking less than someone else. once i exercise a bit of courage to do so, then and only then am i free to become the man i have always wanted to be. after all my shortcomings are those aspects that make me fall short of that vision and default behaviors are whats drives those shortcomings. it however time to shower off and get some work done today. i will remember that if i want FREEDOM from active addiction, all i have to do is allow the steps to do their thang.
∞ DT ∞