Blog entry for:

i have difficulty believing i can be rid of them, they have plagued me for so long that i have stopped hoping for relief. so of course, on this bright and clear and wonderfully refreshing morning, i have take what could have been a fourth or fifth step reading and turned into a second step reading. what i heard, as i listened to the universe around me this morning, was that not only could i be relieved of the shame i may still be carrying, BUT i could trust in the process that led me to my sponsor and my closed-mouth friends, to use them to relive my burden of shame. going back to the whole trust issue, that was yesterday’s reading and combining it with this reading, i see a pattern emerging i what i am coming to believe, and i am finally getting a sense of where this particular spiritual awakening is taking me. no i still have no road map, nor do i care this morning. i know that my journey tossed my spiritual understanding, simplifying some things, complicating a few others and causing to to pause to take in the new landscape before proceeding headlong in the the twelfth step.
so what do i have shame about today. well there are a few things, the only one i feel comfortable sharing in this particular forum, was how driven i am to find and get acceptance and praise. up until now, that NEED, DESIRE or WHATEVER, colored my entire existence and created within me the NEED to seek and nourish sick and unhealthy relationships. although it was no secret to anyone, the part that i have tried to keep hidden, was the lengths to which i would go to conceal; the fact that was my greatest desire. i wanted approval more than wanting to stay clean, more than finding someone to love, and more than respecting and accepting myself. how i turned into such an approval junkie is beyond me, and the how of it is totally irrelevant. i have started the amends process with myself, and i am really beginning to detach from the need to seek approval regardless of the cost. the irony of this is, is one of those people with whom i formed a relationship based on this need, has tried to make overtures of friendship based on those old rules. when they flatter, and compliment, sincere or not, i get a vile taste in my mouth, because part of me wants to jump up, and take all of that in, feeding my self-respect on the takings from the compliment train. well quite honestly, although the desire or need still is there for me, i will not accept the consequences of moving into that sort behavior again. i am far to well, to betray myself, and violate the amends to myself and as a result, i see no future in that particular relationship, as there is nothing new coming to the table, except of course me and my vision of the man i want to be. that sort of relationship is not genuine -- it is dishonest and nothing more than a façade and not part of who i am becoming anymore.
so my other shameful secrets? well they exist, my sponsor knows most of them, and those he does not, are probably left for me to uncover within, as i whittle away at the wall of denial, i so carefully crafted over my years of active addiction. as they get revealed to me, i will allow myself to be rid of them, as i am finally coming to believe that i need not live in the shadows of shame any longer. whatever the POWER is that provides mte the strength to continue my march through recovery, will provide me those answers when the time is right, all i have to be is present for that to happen. so off to the roads and into this beautiful morning.

∞ DT ∞