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life happens in the here and now. it is true that the lessons of active addiction, are certainly not the teachers i want for a life in active recovery. it sis true, that there is no human being that is worth being tossed on the sh!tpile, for any reason. it is also true, that sometimes, i will NEED to walk away from a relationship that is doing neither party any good. the real question is how do i balance all of that and make a decision? after i reached out to a friend and sponsee, all i got back was a litany of my sins against them. i did not meet their expectations and i was the one at fault after he sent someone else to do his dirty work. in fact i was told i was rude, for enforcing a boundary i clearly had set, because of theirexigent circumstances. as the anger fades, and i look to my part in in it, i guess there was an ulterior motive after all, on my part. i got exactly what i deserved, the way to walk away and not have to accept blame for my part in the whole mess. well i certainly have a part, and in the long run it boils down to that fact that i have been sucked dry by the voracious bottomless pit of another person's active addiction. they may have had periods of abstinence in the past, and yes even periods of active recovery, but it always ends up the same: “those fVckers in fellowship do not support me, so i have to go back to those i used with and the criminals that i socialized with, after all, i know those rules of engagement by heart.”
of course, the consequences start piling up and once again, i am asked to ride to the rescue, to help soften the blow. well today, i am putting away my shiny armor and horse. even though i am not going to violate the boundaries i set, i am not about to write the FU letter, quite yet. no as the anger fades, as the sting of the pain, dulls, and as my rational and spiritual side begins to assert itself, i know that just for today, a response is not what i NEED to do.this is one of the most difficult relationships in my life, and my default behavior is when things get tough, i walk away. the question than becomes, what is it i NEED to do today? the answer i keep getting is NOTHING. allow myself the freedom to be okay with doing one of the most difficult things for me to do, not a damn thing.
i could wail about how unfair it is, that after all that i have done, and when i do, i hear the voice of that sponsee, somehow i have come to feel entitled to respect and gratitude for every little jot of kindness i show, and as i sit here writing this, i see the point of my current assignment: true altruism is selfless and anonymous. just for today? well, i have set my fantasy football lineups, the laundry is one third of the way done, the yard needs mowing, my project needs a bit of polish and some testing, the Broncos play at 2:00 PM, and there is a meeting at 6. all in all, enough to fill my day and walk away from my obsession to do something, anything! the past is gone, the future has yet to be, so i think i will do my best to live in the here and now and see how that works.

∞ DT ∞