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iving in the past, truly keeps me learning the lessons of my active addiction. and exactly what are those lessons? how to manipulate, lie, cheat, steal and violate my moral code, to get what i think i need. then to rationalize and justify my behavior.
living in the future fills me with fear, uncertainty and doubt. then i try to manipulate my life and those in it, to control the uncertain outcome of what tomorrow brings.
so living in the moment frees me from the regrets of my past and the anxiety of the future. an interesting concept -- i get to choose.
do i really need to live in either the past or the future. the part of me i call my disease would have me believe that living in the here and now is way to hard. so why not take the easier way out. after all if i am using the feelings of regret and anxiety can be easily overcome as much as they need to be. i have the tools to numb those feelings and be once again an unemotional automaton, living life by default!
so using would no longer be a choice, it would once again be a necessity and is that really that bad. after all i did not have hardly any of the visible trappings of addiction -- i had a job, a house, one or two friends left, tv and the ability to be who ever i needed to be.
well i choose today, right here and right now to be clean. if that means i have to face life on life's terms today so be it! i do not want to once again be a slave to mind-altering substances, in order to live. i no longer want to be that uncaring, apathetic person that walked in to the rooms two thousand nine hundred and forty days ago. i no longer desire to live life alone in the illusion of self-sufficiency lacking a connection with the divine. yes my future is uncertain, and things in my life could be better, but i can live through what i need to and allow the process to rebuild me into the person i was intended to be. and the only way that will happen is to be right here, right now and do what is in front of me to do.
:) DT :)