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which i could grasp easily and without question. ironically, the one piece of the TRUTH, that i denied in active addiction, is the only piece of the TRUTH that i accept as absolute today. that truth? that i am an addict. no qualification needed. no further explanations are required. that is the plain, simple and unvarnished TRUTH and from there a whole new world opens up.
from that kernel, the implications are astounding and rather difficult to digest. what that means, for me, is that addiction is not some alien force, or split personality, or demon waiting to take control of me. there is no addict within waiting to pounce. it is not some addict that wants me dead, but will settle for me using, it is me!
yes, i am the root of all my trouble, and it is the part of me i call addiction, that causes most of that. as i work towards becoming a whole person, that TRUTH, sticks out more and more, and i do not often share that revelation in an open meeting, because as demonstrated by an addict with decades of abstinence, there is a certain comfort in treating the addict within as a separate entity and it excuses all sorts of ridiculous and outrageous things. after all, there is always the addict to blame, to fall back on and to attack while it is out in the parking lot doing pushups.
for me, the addict within, is just that, within. it is no more cunning or baffling than i am, but that part of me is certainly powerful, insidious and ever present. that part of me, colors my worldview and creates the absurdities that constitute doing the exact wrong thing, and being able to wipe the slate clean with a single rationalization or justification. that part of me, always wants more and influences my quite normal human needs and desires, by warping them into something sick and twisted. and yes. all of that is me. i own the addict inside of me. i own that i often act out of that part of me. and i own i can no longer blame the addict within, for what i do and think, for as i said before, that addict within is just me.
as dark as all of that seems, and it is dark, the HOPE comes from the program of recovery, in the fellowship that i call my home. there i have been taught, that addiction and not its various manifestations, is a condition that can be treated. not that it is like some possessive demon, that requires an exorcism, although the way some of my peers talk, that is what they sound like they want. no, the steps and a program of active recovery, allow me to accept what i am, an addict, and offer a framework of living that keeps this addict in check, and yes, even allows for personal growth, into something more than just another addict.
yes as dark as the TRUTH is for me, there is life after active addiction, but the catch is, if i want the benefits, than i have to do the work. today, i want the benefits, but as the morning grows late, i also have to trip on over to Boulder, to earn the bread that provides me with the lifestyle i have become accustomed to living. yes this addict always wants more, but i have learned to accept, that i can put-off gratification until later, and thew rewards are even sweeter, when that time has come. it is after all, a great day to hold the addict withing at bay, with a healthy dose of living the program, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞