Blog entry for:

my cues from the self-destructive, anti-social impulses i had developed over the course of using. one of the most telling ones, was my need to always one-up you, instead of just get even. so when i dreamt this morning, that i was severely disrespected by a friend and peer, while they were under the influence, i woke up pissed-off. i knew that i was dreaming and yet, it felt so real, and my feelings of needing to get up on them were so strong, that i nearly called them at 2:30 AM and told them to perform an anatomically impossible vulgarity. needless to say, that i did not sleep very well after that dream and when i got out of bed after tossing and turning for several hours, i was still feeling the lingering emotions the dream generated.
in the cold light of reality, i see how silly all of that is, at least i can see that today. when i was in active addiction, it was a way of life. what i heard this morning in my quiet time, was that today if i accept and surrender to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, i do not need to live in that manner anymore. bit has been a tumultuous 48 hours, doing a FIFTH STEP with a friend and sponsee, offering support to another friend and sponsee, who lost a sponsee to active addition - permanently and irrevocably. and practicing patience on if my life will change in two weeks or not. all the while, i also hear that perhaps i should be a little bit less harsh on my peers, who should know better. yes i am hearing that being human is okay. i am also hearing that although i do have an answer or two, i certainly do not have them all, like, you know, oh yeah that has to stop as well.
what i also heard this morning, is that there is no unified message or single way to carry the message. perhaps my dark, cynical and often twisted shares are more helpful than the fluff-ball, “this way of life will save your life” kind of shares that some of my peers espouse. maybe, just maybe, someone needs to hear, how i make a decision or two, even when i do it the whole wrong way. perhaps, there is wisdom and HOPE in suffering and pain. and how i got on this topic, i am certainly clueless, one of those decisions i made without really thinking about it. what i am certain of today, is that IF i do not use, and IF i surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, to the best of my ability, THEN i have FAITH that all my needs will be met and my life will continue on the path to becoming the person i have always wanted to be. which reminds me, it is time to shower off and head out on this chilly Tuesday morning, as i have yet to become financially independent nor have i become dependent on the aid of our Big Brother government, so i need to get to work.

∞ DT ∞