ยค i never expected to continue making many mistakes ยค
Posted: Wed, Nov 13, 2013 07:50:01 AM
but i do and that is just part of being human, not because i am an addict.
it is quite true, i really did think and sometimes continue to think, that without drugs in my life, i should be, well maybe not perfect, but so damn close to it, that the difference is barely detectable. barring that, i would settle for looking perfect, keeping all of my mistakes, missteps and bad behaviors deep underground, and unexposed to the people that i happens to share my life with, today.
well, that plan has been scuttled, perfection or even the appearance of perfection, and there are days when i get angry, pissed-off and even resentful about how human i am. that is not the human side, that is the part of me i call addiction. not some devilish, alien, that tricks me into believing what is blatantly false, but part of the whole person i am becoming. as much as i would love to hide the fact that i am an addict, and a human being, warts and all, that is the stark truth, i continue to face on a daily basis. the upshot of that realization is: if i want to continue this journey of becoming the man i have always wanted to be, and no that vision of a man is not perfect or flawless, than i need to accept who i am today, and do whatever it takes to move towards tomorrow.
anyhow, running late again this morning, betrayed by my humanness and not using an alarm clock to wake up to, so i will start my journey south and west, with a quick shower and shave, grateful that yes i am not perfect, BUT i am certainly far less flawed than when i started this journey of becoming.
it is quite true, i really did think and sometimes continue to think, that without drugs in my life, i should be, well maybe not perfect, but so damn close to it, that the difference is barely detectable. barring that, i would settle for looking perfect, keeping all of my mistakes, missteps and bad behaviors deep underground, and unexposed to the people that i happens to share my life with, today.
well, that plan has been scuttled, perfection or even the appearance of perfection, and there are days when i get angry, pissed-off and even resentful about how human i am. that is not the human side, that is the part of me i call addiction. not some devilish, alien, that tricks me into believing what is blatantly false, but part of the whole person i am becoming. as much as i would love to hide the fact that i am an addict, and a human being, warts and all, that is the stark truth, i continue to face on a daily basis. the upshot of that realization is: if i want to continue this journey of becoming the man i have always wanted to be, and no that vision of a man is not perfect or flawless, than i need to accept who i am today, and do whatever it takes to move towards tomorrow.
anyhow, running late again this morning, betrayed by my humanness and not using an alarm clock to wake up to, so i will start my journey south and west, with a quick shower and shave, grateful that yes i am not perfect, BUT i am certainly far less flawed than when i started this journey of becoming.
∞ DT ∞