Some memes

continues to help me to let my feelings come and go like waves on the beach. i can honestly say that in active addiction i was always seeking the ways and means to get off any sort of roller-coaster of feelings that i had. using was the best method to cut off the lows, and i was willing to sacrifice the highs to achieve that effect. it was a terrible way to live and i did not even realize how living that one note life was affecting the way i saw myself and the world around me. i believed it was as good as it was going to get and i just had to accept that as my reality, forever. even in early recovery, i did not have a whole lot of HOPE that i could ever be any different and slogged through those days wondering when the next shoe would drop. when i reached STEP ELEVEN for real, i tried to meditate but the best i could do was less than five minutes and even that felt beyond my capability. instead of settling and telling myself i would never get this, i diligently practiced and created a habit that still persists today.
the good news, for me anyhow, was my persistence paid off and five minutes of struggling to reach the void has been transformed into to twenty minutes of quieting the storm of thoughts within my addict brain. that practice has taught me that feelings are transient and for me anyhow there are no “positive” or “negative” feelings. the emotional stability i have today, after a minute clean, is the gift that keeps on giving.
this morning, i surprised myself by taking some feedback as a personal affront, even though i asked for the feedback. it is true, i read that e-mail before i sat, but even still the fact that it threw me under the bus emotionally was quite a shock. my first thought, as i started down into the void was i am better than that! silly me, i am not better than that and his feedback was spot on, i guess what got me going was there was no praise as part of the feedback. expecting a carrot before the stick, goes back to that list of expectations i have rolling around in my head and that i am trying to surrender into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. anyhow, just for today, i took the feedback, made the changes and survived yet another feeling. the emotional stability i once sought through substances is mine today, even when i am riding the roller-coaster of emotions that is life on its own terms.

∞ DT ∞