Blog entry for:

not my fearful fantasies of the future.
not quite sure where this will go today, but i certainly know things they are a rocking in my life. i am being courted by three recruiters and i have a job, so it is interesting to keep all my plates in the air at the same time. this is certainly the opportunity to be going down the “what if” route, with very little effort at all.
what if, however, i just go to work today, be a rock star, if that is in the cards and be okay knowing that i will have a paycheck in the bank tomorrow and leave it at that. that is how it has been until this morning. this whole courting thang has been going on for the past ten days, and yet today is the first time i have really considered what if this or that. i do know the woman i love will not be happy with one of the companies that is courting me, and today, i will pull my hat from that ring, as i want her to be able to tell her friends where i work, without shame or another strong emotion. sometimes what i do, does reflect upon others.
more and more, i am beginning to consider the consequences, good or bad of my decisions, and this is one that i think will reflect well upon me.
what else is going on? well when i shared at our little meeting to go the other night, i got some reactions that i was not prepared for. i should have guessed that would be the case, as several of my peers, have a very strong substance and behavior specific recovery program. i am grateful that i have moved away from that paradigm and i can see all of me, as an addict and process my actions, reactions, feelings and life through a single program of recovery, instead of trying to deal with the pieces. it was unfortunate for me to hear, that one of my peers has resigned themselves to abstaining from this or that, because they lack the ability to do it well, or get carried away over the cliff into places they prefer not to go. it saddens me to think, that there are sponsorship traditions, where that sort of denial of basic human needs, is part of how we do things. me, i would rather stumble and learn how to do something right, than deny myself the possibility of something that will bring me joy and fulfillment, but that is just how i look at the world. failure for me is not measured by my mistakes, it is measured by how soon i give up trying to learn and resign myself to a self-defeating fate.
i, however, digress and when i look at it, what i want is a FULL LIFE and the opportunity to experience more today than yesterday. speaking of which, if i want to make some money and have a pleasant drive to work, i better get started, after all it is almost time for the slow-motion drivers to hit the highway.

∞ DT ∞