Blog entry for:

actions are necessary and leave the results in the quite capable care of the the POWER that fuels my recovery.
the wonderful fantasy world of what if. living there has always been time and resource consuming, and after playing out all the scenarios in my head, i almost always say,“man i am SO fVcking glad, that i spent all that time worrying!”
right up front, i am far from the best living example of doing the footwork and letting go. so i do not fall into the trap of false humility, it is also true, that i am much better at living in the here and now than i used to be. over the past few days, i have learned a very sad truth about another member i have been helping out. well i should say sometimes member as he has been in and out and around for a bit of time. he is quite clueless about what the people in his life think about him, and how many seem to want to do nothing at all, to get him out and about again. it is sad that i have to tell him that his sure thing was not so sure after all. i have not invested a whole lot of time and energy in this pursuit, but i have done exactly what i said i would do, and left the results up to something more powerful than me. i hoped someone would step up and help out, but i suspected that he had burned far too many bridges to have people flocking in to help him out, quite literally.for me, even if i was not precluded from helping him out due to a service commitment i currently have, i would be hesitant to sign for him myself.
when i came to recovery, i am quite certain that other than my parents, no one would ever sign for me to be released, no matter how much i begged, cajoled or bugged my acquaintances and family members, as my friends were few and far between. i burned those bridges and lived in a fantasy world of “if only” and “what if.” when it came to for me to “man up” and get clean, i was more than surprised about how few people i had in my life that would actually do for me what i could not do for myself. when i saw how lonely my world had become, i was sad and more than a bit pissed. where were all those favors that i had done for others? were was my payback for all the things i did for others? where were those people who cared for me when i needed them? believing the fantasy that i had people in my life that help me out and finding out the reality that there were very few, was quite a rude awakening.
that was back then, and this is of course right here and now. as a result of this trip through the steps, i feel connected to my peers. i have developed friendships and yes, i have even got to the place where i can help someone out, even though i really do not “like” them. i do live ion the real world. i also know that things will not get moving in my life, unless i take care of doing the footwork. if i want to keep food in my belly, the lights on and stay connected to the digital side of life, i need to go to work, and actually do my job. always looking for my next opportunity, because i do not know when i my job may be drying up, is no better than trying to figure out how i am going to get what i need to get, to get high. i have more than few guys in my life that are struggling with the vents in their lives. quite honestly, what is going on in their lives suck! helping them to step back into the here and now, is my footwork. i cannot nor should not try and fix them, or their lives. the days of being a “fixer” of souls and psyches are over for me. today, i am much better suited to live in the here and now. i am better equipped to make a plan and layout what tasks i need to do. most importantly, follow through with my actions and let go of expecting outcomes. before i give you the wrong impression, i still DESIRE an outcome, and may try and exercise my will, to make it come to pass. even when i do not lapse into self-will, DESIRE is still an operative mode in my life, but the more i recognize it is DESIRE and not NECESSITY, the less i fall into the fantasy worlds of “what is.”
so i probably wandered way off topic, but i guess when i think of what i am doing and where i am going, it probably was on point, after all, it is where i am, right here and right now.

∞ DT ∞