โ when at the end of the road i found that i could โ
Posted: Tue, Dec 23, 2014 07:46:58 AM
no longer function as a human being...
the refrain is common, heard at meetings around the world every day and echoed in the shares of the membership, the real question therefore becomes, what do i want to do about it? the evidence of my withdrawal from society and the mainstream of the human race had been piling up for years. my attempts to look like a normal member of society and keep my life as an addict on the down low, became more frenetic and desperate, as the days went by. yet, when forced to come to this, the last house on the road to borrow a trite and true cliché, i felt nothing but rage and resent, and became determined to prove all those idiots wrong about who they thought i was.
i see today, who the real idiot was, that close-minded, prejudiced, lying sack of excuses that was me. what i wanted was a way out of the justice system, what i got was a rebirth of sorts, probably more akin to resurrection, or as Dickens once wrote i was “recalled to life.”
the prison is was in, while not the Bastille, was certainly dank, dark and oppressive. i may not have cobbled shoes to protect me from the realization of how long gone i was, and that life had moved on without me, but i certainly had my protective behaviors that i obsessively and compulsively practiced. and it took a few years before the light of day,m started to penetrate the darkness of who i had become, before i started to participate fully in the life i had long left behind. and yes, i am still subject to relapse back into that dark place, unless i take action.
i could continue to expand this literary metaphor, however i am quite certain my point has been made, i was clueless about where i was, and only the membership of this fellowship and an active program of recovery allowed me to see where i could go and who i could become. when i think back on all the rage i felt and expressed, back in the early days of my recovery, i am astounded that i am still here, as i certainly had all the same excuses i hear from my friends that are out there using. i was certain that i was being judged and found lacking, so i let those fVckers have it with both barrels, just to hasten the process of getting banned for life. what i got, however was not what i expected. i got a road-map for a different manner of living, that i still attempt to follow today, to the best of my ability. in fact, i have a check for $49.56 from a company who did not believe that my past, should remain there, and thought that reporting what in was charged with, was more important than reporting what i was convicted of, and they still insist that they did no wrong, just shut-up and take the money! speaking of which, i guess i should wrap this little bit of cheer-leading up and head on down to work. today i need not color out of the line, but i can choose to do so. today i need not separate myself from the pack, but sometimes i just have to. today, well today, when asked to read a bit of literature and share on it, i will, instead of spouting off some garbagey nonsense about this and that. today…
well today, i will find a new way to live.
the refrain is common, heard at meetings around the world every day and echoed in the shares of the membership, the real question therefore becomes, what do i want to do about it? the evidence of my withdrawal from society and the mainstream of the human race had been piling up for years. my attempts to look like a normal member of society and keep my life as an addict on the down low, became more frenetic and desperate, as the days went by. yet, when forced to come to this, the last house on the road to borrow a trite and true cliché, i felt nothing but rage and resent, and became determined to prove all those idiots wrong about who they thought i was.
i see today, who the real idiot was, that close-minded, prejudiced, lying sack of excuses that was me. what i wanted was a way out of the justice system, what i got was a rebirth of sorts, probably more akin to resurrection, or as Dickens once wrote i was “recalled to life.”
the prison is was in, while not the Bastille, was certainly dank, dark and oppressive. i may not have cobbled shoes to protect me from the realization of how long gone i was, and that life had moved on without me, but i certainly had my protective behaviors that i obsessively and compulsively practiced. and it took a few years before the light of day,m started to penetrate the darkness of who i had become, before i started to participate fully in the life i had long left behind. and yes, i am still subject to relapse back into that dark place, unless i take action.
i could continue to expand this literary metaphor, however i am quite certain my point has been made, i was clueless about where i was, and only the membership of this fellowship and an active program of recovery allowed me to see where i could go and who i could become. when i think back on all the rage i felt and expressed, back in the early days of my recovery, i am astounded that i am still here, as i certainly had all the same excuses i hear from my friends that are out there using. i was certain that i was being judged and found lacking, so i let those fVckers have it with both barrels, just to hasten the process of getting banned for life. what i got, however was not what i expected. i got a road-map for a different manner of living, that i still attempt to follow today, to the best of my ability. in fact, i have a check for $49.56 from a company who did not believe that my past, should remain there, and thought that reporting what in was charged with, was more important than reporting what i was convicted of, and they still insist that they did no wrong, just shut-up and take the money! speaking of which, i guess i should wrap this little bit of cheer-leading up and head on down to work. today i need not color out of the line, but i can choose to do so. today i need not separate myself from the pack, but sometimes i just have to. today, well today, when asked to read a bit of literature and share on it, i will, instead of spouting off some garbagey nonsense about this and that. today…
well today, i will find a new way to live.
∞ DT ∞