Blog entry for:

my very best thinking had gotten me nowhere. well, not quite, i came to the fellowship because i did not want to face the consequences of using when i was specifically told not to. even though i knew that using would land me a trip down south, i kept using, getting away with it, and hung out in the fellowship to “look” like i was compliant. when that changed? well, i guess that my best thinking did land me in the rooms after all, because i needed a way out of my legal problem and abstinence was the only path i could see.
the reading was not about how i got here, but more about what i do, now that i have decided to stay. yes, even after a day or two clean, it is still a decision to stay or leave the fellowship and this whole recovery gig in general. it is true, i have drank the Kool-Ade, and continue to do so today. for me, it is not race, class, gender or spiritual path, that causes me to separate myself from those who can help me, it is my perception of their apparent wisdom.
it is also true, that i never know where the next piece of information, vital to my continued existence will be coming from, even the sheeple and parrots, may provide the ONE clue i need to move forward in my recovery today, so perhaps the time has come to open my mind to what it is they are trying to say, no matter how trite, vapid or cliché it may sound to me. what the reading suggests to me, is that i give up my arrogant opinion and bias of the wilfully ignorant, and move on. unfortunately, at least in my opinion, most of the sheeple and the parrots are not generally ignorant or stupid. they may not be college educated but they are far from being dim. no for one reason or another they choose they share what they share, and leave reality at the door. my job, at least through the filter of the reading, is to shut off my judge, jury and executioner and actually listen for what it is i may need to hear. it could be that there is nothing there that is germane to my life, but i will never have the ability to glean that fact from them, if i continue to shut them out just 'cuz.
ANYHOW, i need to get rolling into work. tonight i GET to celebrate with a friend and when i share tonight, and trust me i will, it will sound more like the daisies, rainbows and unicorn shares of others, rather than my reality of living clean shares i normally try to put out. i guess even the darkest of us, need to let some light shine out from time to time.

∞ DT ∞