Blog entry for:

to be found anywhere and certainly not in the arms of any twelve step fellowship. as is evident form that statement, cynicism and **negativity** have been and are still part of who i am. when i was asked to set aside my biases and prejudices and accept that i was an equal to all the members in the room, there was more than a bit of hesitation on my part, after all, all of those “attitudes” were carefully crafted and implemented over the course of my life up to that point, and all of them had purpose. that purpose was to protect my oh so delicate, over-inflated, totally posturing self from exposure and pain. i had evidence that it worked, most notably the fact that i could still leave my house and be social in a very limited sense of that word. before i go on and on about how much better i am today, and i am, i need to do a shout-out to one of my peers:

Aaron F,
Ten years, a decade or 3652 days clean,
no matter how you slice it, that is an accomplishment.
Congratulations, my friend and keep coming back!

okay after that little bit of HOPE, time to get down to huge dose of experience and a maybe a bit of strength.once upon a time, i certainly claimed a very huge tract of moral high ground, and looked down my nose at just about everyone in the world. my life in that world was not that much unlike what i hear and read about coming from the current resident of Casa Blanca. i guarded myself, to definitive action to preempt damage and was on total vigilance to get one up on those who i saw as not fit company for me or anyone else. i was my own best friend and i everything that happened in the world, affected me in some manner was NEEDED to be commented upon and spun around the echo chamber in my head until i had an opinion on it, and a very convincing argument, based loosely on the evidence at hand, as interpreted through the lenses of my attitudes. needless to say, a major part of me, was about to fall from the wall, and all the king's horses and all the king's men, were never, ever going to be able to reconstruct it. even if some day i decide that this recovery gig is not for me, the changes that have been manifest in my life, especially in my ideas and attitudes will probably continue being with me, albeit not as strong nor as influential, but still there, not too much unlike a No-See-Um buzzing around my head.
ah, before i go too far into praising how far i have come, it is not as if i am some spiritual giant surrounded by a visible glow, even though i would love to play one and often do, i still crater in to my bias and prejudice. i still see stupid people and i am less than kind when dealing with flat-out obstinate ignorance. in this day and age where i can find the echo chamber for my views, on-line twenty-four seven, it is hard to step away and see that what i think, what i believe and what i hold near and dear top me, may not be as righteous as i once believed and certainly may not be shared with the rest of humanity in general.as i become more enlightened, thanks to the diverse set of attitudes and beliefs in the fellowship that has give me this manner of living, i see how wrong i once was and how much further i have to go. just for today, i can be better vthan my biases and prejudices and let go of the notion of what i think i know and what i have yet to learn.

∞ DT ∞