Blog entry for:

not my personal behavior.
one of my favorite excuses, for less than stellar behavior is: **what else did you expect, i am just an addict!** i can then run to the literature and back that claim up with the whole ”and i am powerless over being an addict, so…“
as a using addict, i was always seeking a way out, as an addict in recovery, that behavior is quite slow to change. okay before i get accused of being hopeless or worse, living in the land of false humility, it is true that these days, this sort thing barely happens at all. i have grown beyond my NEED to blame shift and take the notoriety spotlight off of me. i have grown beyond the need, to look better than i am feeling, or hide behind a curtain of sins, so i appear to be humble, hence some sort of spiritual guru. to deny that my default behavior when confronted with the consequences of my actions is not blame-shifting and falling back on the tired old lie, would be a lie. HOWEVER, as a result of the seventh step, just because i have a default behavior, does not mean i have to act it out. yes, you heard me correctly, the seventh step gives me the FREEDOM to CHOOSE my reaction s to the world around and within me. so what was once automatic, has an off switch today.
the flip side of this reading is claiming i am powerless over people, places and things to allow me to NOT make decisions, make plans, implement plans towards achieving my goals or do anything at all to better my current lot in life. this, too,. has its roots in the lie, “once an addict, always an addict.” since addiction is part of me, on one level that lie is true, what is not true, and the part i like to fall back upon is the implication that i will always behave exactly as i did, when i was using. which could be true, IF i allow that self-fulfilling prophecy to take hold.
today, i AM responsible for me life,. my recovery and my actions. i may surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, but that does not somehow magically relieve me of the need to be responsible for my life. that POWER may provide all i need to today, but IT will not work my steps, make my decisions or stop me from being a total douche-bag a$$hole, as much as i wail that i want IT to do so. once again i come up against the wall of personal responsibility. unlike some of my peers, i do not need to believe that all will be given to me on a silver platter, all i have to do is ask. i do not believe that i can fVck my way to being a better person or that no one can see the man behind the curtain of looking perfectly in control. more and more i realize the more i try to hide what i am, what i do and pretend i am not as affected by addiction as my peers, the more and more i slide down into the pit of active using. clean-time is NO guarantee of of recovery and i get that this morning. only when i make the decisions to take responsibility for my life and my recovery, within the framework of surrendering my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, do i grow into the sort of person i have always wanted to be. so before i go off on somebody, or anybody, i better end right here and head on down the road to work, it is after all a great day to be responsible and be responsible for my recovery.

∞ DT ∞