Blog entry for:

i need to remember that i am powerless over my addiction, not my personal behavior.
one of my favorite refrains when i was active in my addiction was it is not my fault, after all...
i cherished the ability to blame my personal behavior and general lack of responsibility on on anything but me. this behavior carried over into my recovery, especially once i accepted that i was powerless over the disease of addiction. i could blame just about anything on that part of me i call my disease and was quite content to do so. it was the very first loophole i uncovered after deciding that recovery was the way to go, and even today, i can still slip back into the whole victim of my disease trip. this whole powerlessness gig can be used as a wonderful excuse for me to deny any personal responsibility.
well that exact loophole is what the reading was speaking to me about. i have a problem accepting that i have any power over what i feel, however how i react to my feelings is a horse of a different color. i may get angry when someone hurts me, BUT i have the power to let it go and move on, or hold on to it and build a nice juicy resentment. i may get sad and cry when someone close to me suffers a tragedy or perhaps i will be laugh out loud happy, i really do not have control over whether my feelings are appropriate or not, but i do have power over how long i hold on to those feelings and how i behave when i am having a feeling, so in that sense i agree with the reading today. YES i was a victim of my addiction when i did noit know any better, BUT today after some step work and some days clean, i only become a victim when i choose to relinquish the personal power.
day to day living is not an easy task for even normal people to perform with total grace and serenity, and in that respect i am no different from them, i just have a readily available excuse when i choose to use it. an excuse is a very polite manner of saying that i can lie to myself and choose to act-out. you know the whole scenario, act-out and then say it was not my fault because after all i am just an addict. today i accept that i have personal power and personal responsibility, and the time has come to exercise a bit of both -- yes i am powerless over my disease BUT i am not powerless over my recovery and all that entails!

∞ DT ∞