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try to avoid being honest, it seems to backfire on me. you mean to tell me that honesty is more than returning excess change to a cashier?!?! ironically, i had to tell the friend a very grim and sad truth about me, namely that i was afraid to let him into my life, really in, because i did not trust him, based on his past performance. as sad and as honest as that was. i wonder if there was another manner of going to that place, without being honest. i tried to be surface and superficial, and he called me out on that. i tried ignoring his requests for more, and he called me out on that as well. i could continue down this path, but in the end, what i will end-up saying is one of my infamous lines from the days of whine and noses: “SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!”
shift the blame to someone, anyone else, when it was my task to do deliver the sad news. i could have avoided and diverted for a bit longer, and perhaps my trust factor would have grown, after all in another months or so, he will be out and about again. in reality, that is not honesty, although it does not sting as bad as telling a friend i am afraid to trust them, or does it. if i kept asking and kept getting crickets or even worse diverted,. i would wonder what was up, and would start to drive home the point even harder. i would want to know, why someone is treating me like something i do not think i am. in fact, i would be what ‘iffing’ myself to death, about what i did or did not do, trying to get to the bottom of the conundrum, when in the long run it was because i had betrayed a trust and they were lathe to allow me to repeat that again. for me, it would be a kindness to know why, so i could start there and work on repairing that relationship. still i wonder, and wonder and wonder, if i did the spiritually evolved thing. i certainly have another chance to work on this relationship again, this week.
moving forward through the notions that this reading evoked this morning, the second theme that was running through my head, is what a difference a year makes. a year ago, i was feeling abused and under-appreciated at me job. i wanted more and more was not coming fast enough. i was frustrated and was far from an ideal employee on the inside, even though i did my best to meet and exceed expectations, not because i was being honest, but because i wanted a good recommendation when i moved on to my next gig. now a year later, at my new gig, i am still not as happy as i once was there. i am second guessing myself about jumping ship and that brings out a whole bunch of new ideas, namely moving along again. with that notion comes the real problem, will i ever be happy and content anywhere i am, or will this always be the grass is greener on the other side of the next career move. what i am feeling is this: “SIT DOWN, SHUT THE FVCK UP and ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE HERE,” and see what happens next. which for someone like me, is nearly impossible to achieve, most of the time, and if i get there , for any length of time. and so it goes…
anyhow, got some things to do, some games to play, some family time to spend and some weekly household chore to get done, so time to move along, after all these are not the droids you seek.

∞ DT ∞