Blog entry for:

chaos, that was the state of my **house,** when i came to recovery. ironically i tried to exert what little power and believed i was in **control,** even as my life spun further and further away from any semblance of being **normal.** the fact was, the more control and power i applied the more chaos reigned, it was entropy in reverse, my effort did not equal less chaos.
coming to recovery was did not provide instant order to my life, in fact, my early recovery felt more chaotic but more constrained than ever. i was operating under the mistaken belief that getting clean meant more freedom, which was certainly true, just not the sort of freedom i thought i was going to get. my first set of steps, as cursory as they were, at least provided me a glimpse of what life was with a reduction of chaos. my house was far from m“in order,” but it certainly was less of a chaotic mess.
so all of that wonderful stuff about how i was, is interesting and does provide a stark contrast to how i am today, but is just that very old news and hardly worth mentioning, except in passing. the steps and the program have created within me, a very strong sense of order, even if everything outside of me, family, society, my peers in recovery and the world in general. seems to be obeying the law of entropy and spinning into a more chaotic state, regardless of how much power any one individual or group chooses to apply. i get why the puritanical right is so upset, they are seeing any power they once had, slip[ from their fingers, just as the gun control nuts on the left. the louder they scream, the less effect they seem to have. more and more, individual freedoms are stripping away the political and social power of the groups that once defined social and political mores. the way i see it is, now there is more order on the individual level and less on the traditional levels, except of course, for the the 1% that is pulling all of our strings! i did say that ad this morning it seems likely that my lack of sleep, is contributing to my generally cheerful cynic, and painting everything a bit darker and bleaker than it really is. perception is, after all, in the eye of the beholder.
as to order and chaos in my life today? for the most part, internally there is a sense of calm and certainly far more order in my spiritual and emotional state. those early days of wild mood swings and unexplained feelings, have given away to an emotional steady state, similar to what i was trying to achieve from time to time, in my active addiction. that steady state is punctuated by unexplained and often inexplicable emotional reactions that once upon the time, sent me into a tither. materially, my needs are met and physically i have a desire to once again step up to the plate and start improving my state of physical fitness. and yes, all of this is thanks to the direction and guidance i have received since coming into recovery, finally. it is a gift from the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is the result of my conscious choice to work a program of active recovery and it is mine, just for today.
just for today, however, i need to get cleaned up and return to my 20 second commute to work. it is a great day to be clean and a better one to expect more order and less chaos within, as long as i do what i have been suggested to do.

∞ DT ∞