Blog entry for:

open-minded to new ideas and implementing those that may lead me to a better version of who i am, has been a touchstone of my recovery for at least a minute. it is true that when i stopped using and lived a program of mere abstinence. i was not open-minded in any sense. i was, in fact, looking for the loophole that would allow me to get out from under the thumb of the justice system, while using. even with all the opinions that may fly around about recovery is and is not, there is one absolute that even i could not deny, complete and absolute abstinence from using drugs. that was the tenet that i was looking for a way through and the wall i kept banging my head against. even back then i heard to cries from those seeking relief from that absolute that the members were hypocrites as the continued to use caffeine, nicotine and sugar, so how could anyone say they were actually “clean.” round and round and up and down, i too, was part of that crowd, if cigarettes were okay, why was pot verboten? for me, it came down to intent. did i smoke pot just to relax for a minute and release a bit of stress or did i use it to get high? even though i could use nicotine and caffeine and even sugar to get high, and had done so in the past, it was not the manner in which i used any of those substances then or now.
that whole argument continues to roil the newcomer, seeking their own loopholes. after being clean for a minute, hearing how the “negative” energy of the reading we read at the ,meeting and in how my peers and i share about our experience, strength and hope, feels like a remix of the same shit i was spouting way back when. i did, however, have to open my mind to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, i need to inject a bit more sunshine and light into what i share, even though i have moved out of the house of the infinite cynic.
as i sat and listened when i was not reveling in the beating i inflicted in one of my fantasy football leagues, i heard the question of whether or not i really “need” to have that awkward conversation at all, on Saturday morning. was i being closed minded to the ideas he choose to share and the manner in which he interacts with our group? is it all about what i desire or is it truly for the group's benefit? i am not sure of any of those answers and perhaps, right here and right now, i do not need to be. i have a sneaking suspicion that asking the questions is far more important that what the final answers end up being. as i prepare to step out into the dawn's early light, i feel that more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in my philosophy to quote the Danish prince and today, just for today, i need to allow myself to consider them.

∞ DT ∞