Blog entry for:

i am up obscenely early this morning and getting ready to head into work. today, the official busy season starts, and the powers that be, decided in their infinite wisdom to have an open meeting from 6 AM to 6PM. as heinous as that sounds, i am certain that does not mean i will be at work for all of those 12 hours, nevertheless, i am preparing to head on in to the office to be present for the early part.
what is all this stuff i hear about values anyhow, and why in the world should it matter to me? back in a bit, after i shower and shave and drive into the office.
so as i sit in this very quiet and dark office, i am beginning to ponder what it was i heard as i sat this morning listening to what the reading seemed to be saying to me. part of it goes back to my little tirade yesterday, where i spoke of responsibility and taking the action i need to take to remain a part of this fellowship. i went on about how i needed to reach out and after that allow those others to do what they needed to join and belong. today, as i think about what i stand for and what that may mean, i look to the values that were probably always part of me but got pushed down in active addiction.
so what is it that i value today? i value my clean time, the chain of days that stretches back to the day i finally got clean. yes, i may only have just for today, but today is the result of that chain. i value my recovery, which does not extend in an unbroken chain to that day. i value the sense of self i have been given and i certainly value the experience, strength and hope that i get in the fellowship. i do not think, however, that what i value is what the reading was talking about, but this was quite the interesting exercise.
no values are a bit different. yes, it is true, i did love to get high and valued that above else in my life. when it came to a choice between getting high and violating one of my values, it was always a no brainer: getting high won out. when i heard one of my peers, romancing the substance and recalling the euphoria last night at the meeting, i wondered why it was, that i had stopped doing that very thing. to me, today, getting high holds no romance, i finally have moved on from that love affair. i remember, once upon a time when i was going through the motions of being treated, that i had to write a “Dear John” letter to my drug of choice. as ridiculous as i thought it was, i did the deed and perhaps in the long run it took the romance out that particular chase and capture. anyways, part of my set of values today is that no matter what i will not use today. and with that i think i will call this exercise done and get back to being present for what is happening here at work.

∞ DT ∞