β the crucial question β
Posted: Fri, Aug 12, 2016 08:19:46 AM
i must ask myself, have i really had enough? the question, on its surface seems to be have i had enough of the destruction and consequences of active addiction, to actually surrender? the answer to that questions, is of course, yes, as i would not be where i am today, if i was still resisting the notion that i AM powerless over addiction. why on Earth would i ever need to come back to this level, after all, that is STEP ZERO? for me the answer is simply that i NEED to reminded that, no matter how my life looks today, it is only because i accept that premise every single day. even though uncontrollable drug use is not part of my life, i am still an addict and i still NEED to treat addiction on a very daily basis, in the here and now.
i used to be envious of others, who seemed to do the bare minimum, and moved on with their lives. over the course of the days i have been clean, i realized those feelings were not true envy, but self-pity. i wanted to do the same, but was afraid to try. wah fVcking wah! today, what i am quite content with my NEED to do what i do on a daily basis and get what i am getting, and those others? well i certainly hope that they too, are getting the full benefit of the cessation of active addiction in their lives. i did not get clean to stagnate and be miserable, hence i keep working steps, going to meetings and living the program 100% in my life. i may not succeed in doing so, but it is not for lack of doing the basics. including prayer, even though prayer is not part of my spiritual path. today, i still go to meetings and serve the fellowship that has given me this way of living, even when it feels like it is getting in the way of me enjoying this new way of living. as tiresome and boring at it sometimes may feel, i know where the source of my new life springs from, and it certainly is NOT from inside me. i NEED to be reminded that i am an addict and that i have what i have, because i do what i have been doing.
so enough of preaching to the choir or whatever. i am HAPPY today. i am SERENE today. i am CONTENT today. most of all i am CLEAN today and willing to do whatever it takes to remain a member of the No Matter What Club.
i used to be envious of others, who seemed to do the bare minimum, and moved on with their lives. over the course of the days i have been clean, i realized those feelings were not true envy, but self-pity. i wanted to do the same, but was afraid to try. wah fVcking wah! today, what i am quite content with my NEED to do what i do on a daily basis and get what i am getting, and those others? well i certainly hope that they too, are getting the full benefit of the cessation of active addiction in their lives. i did not get clean to stagnate and be miserable, hence i keep working steps, going to meetings and living the program 100% in my life. i may not succeed in doing so, but it is not for lack of doing the basics. including prayer, even though prayer is not part of my spiritual path. today, i still go to meetings and serve the fellowship that has given me this way of living, even when it feels like it is getting in the way of me enjoying this new way of living. as tiresome and boring at it sometimes may feel, i know where the source of my new life springs from, and it certainly is NOT from inside me. i NEED to be reminded that i am an addict and that i have what i have, because i do what i have been doing.
so enough of preaching to the choir or whatever. i am HAPPY today. i am SERENE today. i am CONTENT today. most of all i am CLEAN today and willing to do whatever it takes to remain a member of the No Matter What Club.
∞ DT ∞