β All that matters is that i have reached an emotional and spiritual bottom that precludes my return to active addiction β
Posted: Sat, Aug 12, 2006 07:03:46 AM
if i have, i will be truly ready to go to any lengths to quit using.
and that was my problem, actually getting to the bottom that precluded my return to active addiction. my denial and inability to see what was really happening actually precluded me from seeing my bottom. and you know i have always liked that word preclude which means "To remove the possibility of; to rule out; to prevent or exclude"
so my denial and obsession of appearance prevented me from seeing the true moral and spiritual depths into which i had actively put myself. and i say actively put myself because after stumbling across the blame game in its new form yesterday i can see that it was my actions, beliefs and denial that kept me active long after most of the fun and joy had been removed from the act of using. do i want to admit to myself, i mean truly accept as true, that i am an addict? well i certainly did not want to do that when i first started coming around. in fact i went to great lengths to be anything but an addict by hyphenating and qualifying what kind of addict i was. and back then i was unable to stay clean or get recovery. truthfully i did not want to stay clean nor did i want to find recovery, all i wanted was a pass back to my old life, which of course was denied to me! and for that i am truly grateful today. do i want to be an addict today? not really, but i accept that is what i am and that is what i will always be. i cannot use, no matter what or i will return to that place of dark despair and misery. and today that is not a journey i wish to undertake. so just for today i will accept that i was powerless over the disease of addiction and move on to a day where i choose not to use!
and that was my problem, actually getting to the bottom that precluded my return to active addiction. my denial and inability to see what was really happening actually precluded me from seeing my bottom. and you know i have always liked that word preclude which means "To remove the possibility of; to rule out; to prevent or exclude"
so my denial and obsession of appearance prevented me from seeing the true moral and spiritual depths into which i had actively put myself. and i say actively put myself because after stumbling across the blame game in its new form yesterday i can see that it was my actions, beliefs and denial that kept me active long after most of the fun and joy had been removed from the act of using. do i want to admit to myself, i mean truly accept as true, that i am an addict? well i certainly did not want to do that when i first started coming around. in fact i went to great lengths to be anything but an addict by hyphenating and qualifying what kind of addict i was. and back then i was unable to stay clean or get recovery. truthfully i did not want to stay clean nor did i want to find recovery, all i wanted was a pass back to my old life, which of course was denied to me! and for that i am truly grateful today. do i want to be an addict today? not really, but i accept that is what i am and that is what i will always be. i cannot use, no matter what or i will return to that place of dark despair and misery. and today that is not a journey i wish to undertake. so just for today i will accept that i was powerless over the disease of addiction and move on to a day where i choose not to use!
∞ DT ∞