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is what the whole of recovery and life are made of. so i pulled out that phrase and wordsmithed it to fit where i am sitting today. life on its own terms is a very interesting proposition and even more so for the newest members and those who have yet to commit to membership. i can say that all of the new guys who are currently calling me their sponsor are facing far more serious issues than i am today. trying to carry a message of HOPE, i often get confused about what HOPE really is, and how to be realistic
HOPE is not that tomorrow is going to be all rainbows and unicorns. while it certainly could be, chances are, that it will not be.it took 109 years for the Cubs to win a World series, no matter how hard their fans HOPED they would win it sooner. in my mind, HOPE is what i feel when i stay clean, no matter what life throws at me today. that is the message i can carry to ALL of my peers.
so how does ob=ne carry a hopefully cynical message? that is the yin and yang of my life. when i think about HOPE being the light and cynicism being what makes that light less intense, i get a clearer picture of who i am. i have beyond into a FAITH based program, of which HOPE is certainly a major component. i no longer HOPE to stay clean, i have the FAITH that i will stay clean, as long as i meet certain conditions. one of those conditions is not hanging out in crack houses or shooting galleries. for me, that has even come down to taverns, saloons and bars, i just do not make a habit of frequenting places where i KNOW there will be using. another of those conditions is that i ask for and accept into my life, the power to stay clean from the POWER that fuels my recovery. that too, is just something i believe i need to do. everything else is just what follows, and when i do what i NEED to do, i have the FAITH i will get all that i NEED to get. sure, there are days i want more, every day as a matter of fact. even with a few days clean, i still confuse needs and wants, the fact is, yesterday i got everything i needed to stay clean for that twenty-four hour slice of time. i also got some of the stuff i wanted. am i a yippy-skippy, everything is sunny kind of guy? well i could pretend to be, i certainly know the pattern. i, however, believe HOPE does not spring from pretending to be what i am not. i have the FAITH that the message i can carry is filled with HOPE when i share honestly about who i am, how i see the world and my place in it, and today i am happy the Cubs win, irritated in the partisan political bickering that spills over into real life, tired of being told how i SHOULD make myself more by running out and buying the latest and greatest new toy and hopeful that i will get to carry the message to one or more of my peers today.
all this and so much more makes up who i am, a hopeful cynic or a cynically hopeful recovering addict, i will leave that labeling up to you.

∞ DT ∞