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i am a grownup yet and how i could tell. so a year ago, i went on and on about the bad behaviors i have witnessed from those who swear up and down that they are in recovery. what i was speaking about happened a long time ago, and once was the biggest piece of evidence in my case against another 12 STEP fellowship. just as some of my peers who seem to be always “around” seem to do, i painted an entire group of people with a brush based on the actions of a few. in short, because i wanted to find a reason NOT to ever attend meetings of that fellowship, i developed a prejudice based on a few bad actors. that prejudice was hand-crafted by me and additional information added along the way, to make it more “valid.”
it is quite true that i would still drive 100 miles to attend a meeting of my fellowship, rather than walk a hundred yards to attend one of that fellowship, i no longer disparage that fellowship and its members, because just like the fellowship i attend, people are people and there are bad actors everywhere.
as i write this, i see a bit of maturity creeping into my life. a year ago i was saddened about how i was reminded of that bit of ancient history, today i am saddened but not ready to burn anything down as a result of my feelings. this morning i get to bundle up and trundle my a$$ down south to take care of my responsibilities as a sponsor who is becoming a friend. i want to pat myself on the back for the effort i put in, and then i realize, that just mentioning it, is ego-inflating enough and am tempted to strike it out of my malleable permanent record. the fact is, in the long run, i need to be reminded of these little missteps, so when i look back, i can actually perceive my growth in the program, as i am quite blind to where i am sitting right now. the example of how a judgement i cast colored my perception of an entire group of people, was meant to go elsewhere. i meant it as an entry point into one of the biggest lies i have heard those who keep coming around but do not seem to get it tell themselves; “everyone in those meetings is judging me and find me lacking.” oh they never say that last bit, but as someone who has been listening over the days, that last bit is always there. i lived that lie as well, but i stayed clean because i would not accept the consequences of getting caught. i could be miserable in any of the rooms i went to, heck, i could even be pissed off angry; and they kept telling to keep coming back, even though i did not want to be there. those people were judging me, and just as i judged myself and found myself lacking any of the spiritual principals, spoken of in the rooms, so i was sure they did as well. perhaps they did, but i am a stubborn person and in those days, that stubbornness served me well, as i showed all of them that i could get and stay clean.
i showed them alright, as here i sit, a few days later, secure in my active program of recovery, and lacking the need to thumb my nose at my imagined detractors and haters. my petulant anger, became a passion for my fellowship. my willful adherence to a few simple suggestions, became the foundation for my daily life. my belief system became the yardstick by which i can measure my spiritual growth, as i can see that what i once believed i have discarded into the dustbin of useless and toxic intellectual waste, to be viewed safely from a vantage point of another day clean.
so all in all, i guess i am still growing up and if i manage to stay clean another day, i will have another day clean under my belt. the time has come to put this aside and head on down to my task of this day. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞