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understanding of a Higher Power, is beginning to shape my conscious application of spiritual practices, including prayer. okay, i pray at least twice a day, because that was what i was told to do, back in the day and it seemed to work. that practice is still part of my daily routine, mostly because i am afraid to actually look at whether or not that practice even sort of “fits” into the spiritual path that has seemed to have chosen me.
what i “heard” this morning, was not whether or not i “should” be praying or if my “form” needs to change, but can i be okay doing what i have always done, with little or no conscious choice. no i am not being forced to do something against my will, but i am certainly a creature of habit and one of the “healthy” habits i developed over the course of staying clean and working an active program of recovery, is daily prayer and it is still “working” for me. the catch here is, am i doing it just because i have always prayed or am i doing it because it happens to fit in my spiritual path.
in mu current iteration of my FIRST STEP, i have been pondering powerlessness, and how it relates to my spiritual practices. one of the changes i have allowed myself to make, is where i attend meetings and what meetings i attend. sure that is an easy one, as there are plenty around my neck of the woods, and yet there was quite a shift when i starting choosing to make a concerted effort to go to a very small and distant meeting. i can see where once i believed i was powerless over the meetings that i went to, i really did not lack that power, i actually chose to go those meetings week after week, even though i was, for the most part, not “present” for them. i got to play the victim, when i did not get what i thought i needed or wanted from this meeting or that and life was perfect. i could say i was going to this many meetings a week, and showing up on a regular basis, even though the reality was that i was just filling space and checking off a box on my daily spiritual “checklist.”
practical? oh yes. spiritual? not really. powerless? maybe, at least over how i felt after the meeting and how obtuse i was to what was actually happening inside of me. living in a fantasy, propped up by action, no matter how cursory it is, is part of my familiar pattern, that keeps me from progressing on to the next level. it comes down to the notion that FAITH without works is dead, and there was certainly no work being done, at least in this particular instance. what i was guilty of, was building a case against a group and how they choose to carry the message, separating myself from the pack and paving my road to perdition.
the example above, may not seem to apply, but it certainly does. it goes to the heart of the question, am i praying twice a day, just to tick another checkbox on my spiritual checklist or is it truly part of a spiritual path i am choosing to practice, even if it is off the beaten track for the spiritual path i follow? well, just for today, i can comfortably ask that question and not be filled with superstitious dread of thunderbolts or suddenly be out on the streets using mass quantities. just because i choose to ask, does nit mean the answer is to pitch it into the bit bucket, more will be revealed and just for today, i am comfortable with that particular ask.

∞ DT ∞