Blog entry for:

resources i need to live a clean, full life. if one were to look at the many things i am powerless over, at least in the sports arena, one would discover that three of the four sporting events that i desired occurred this weekend: the Rockies made the play-offs, the Broncos won, and i won fantasy football. the one event that did not occur that would have made it perfect was if the CU Buffs had beat UCLA. sometimes it takes a practical example to illustrate the point i am trying to make. pinning my happiness or joy on a set of sporting event outcomes, will more than likely result in me staying clean. this may sound a bit fantastical and over-the-top, but in reality i have based my happiness and FAITH on far more unpredictable events. what i have learned as a result of working the steps and staying clean for a day or two, is that growing my FAITH and coming to find FAITH, are what was required for this addict to work some steps and stay clean for a few days in a row.
growing and finding FAITH, at least for me, is how i stay clean, just for today. i found just a kernel of FAITH, back in that basement apartment in New Jersey, when i was eighteen months or so clean. i know some POWER, more powerful than the substances in the room, my FEAR of getting caught and my DESIRE to use, kept me clean that night. it was when i looked at that event, in the cold hash light of reality, that i was finally willing to drop my resistance to recovery and allow myself to be assimilated. it was then that my stubborn willfulness had finally met its match and i found something for me to believe in: the recovery program that provides me this new way of life. the FAITH i discovered that night has grown today, into a force that keep s me clean and upon which i can continue to believe will keep me clean, even when my Alma Mater does not win a football game. i can attach all kinds of superstitious significance to unrelated events, mixing up cause and correlation, and base my continued recovery on the outcomes of all sorts of ridiculous events. the fact is, i stay clean today, because for me, it is the easier softer way and i prefer the continued consequences of active recovery. i have FAITH, that just for today, if i stay awake, i will be provided the opportunity to get everything i NEED from the POWER that fuels my recovery. on that note, i think i will shuffle off to Broomfield to earn my paycheck, just for today.

∞ DT ∞