Blog entry for:

fantasy and reality. becomes more distinct the longer i stay clean and the more i implement the spiritual principles i have been given.
i have to admit, fantasy was my first escape valve from reality and i started retreating into a world of fantasy, long before i used that very first dose. what i was given that very first time, was the means to feel what i had always wanted to feel, namely: FREEDOM form reality, little did i realize, i had condemned myself to a twenty-five to life sentence to active addiction. i was so out of touch with reality, when i finally got clean, i would say without any hesitation that drugs were not a problem for me, and i was correct. the irony of that, still warms the cockles of my heart today.
staying clean, is my new normal, thanks to the recovery program and the fellowship that surrounds me with their support. that does not mean, however, i am all of a sudden, immune to fantasizing about the “good old day,” or wishing to be free from debt, responsibility and having to work. no i still drop into the fantasy world of what if, every now and again. i wonder where i would be, if i had told my probation officer what she could do with her “final offer,” and taken the prison sentence, instead. i wonder what would have happened if i choose to stay at the spam haus, instead of jumping to FORTUNE 500, three years ago. or if i decided to walk away from my current position and hit the streets as a consultant again. the twists and permutations of what might have been and what might be, are infinite and for me, can occupy far too much of my time and head space. living in the here and now, i can discard this sort of mind-fuckery after a minute or so, and move on.
moving on, i caught myself deflecting a compliment yesterday, and i know it was in a moment of false humility, not that much unlike Norman Bates in the final scene of psycho, “Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly.” what i knew in that instance and chose to ignore, is that yes, sometime i may share something that someone else finds helpful. instead of pretending to be all humble, or lording how great i am, i NEED to simply acknowledge what they say with a thank you. this whole “humbler than thou” act, i can play, is part of living in a fantasy. the fantasy is, that i am the humbles, most spiritual addict in any room regardless (or irregardless, to drive a few of you crazy) of any else's current circumstances. i can out-humble the best of them, and for me, that is a symptom that i am not doing as well as i want everyone to think i am doing.
just for today? well right here and right now, it is time to pack this in and head on out for a responsibility, i willingly take on. as no good deed goes unpunished, i will leave with this thought, when i choose to allow the program to pitch the fantasy, i get to be more of the person i have always wanted to be, especially the man i saw in those drug fueled pipe dreams of yesteryear, as here i am more whole, genuine and self-assured than ever befpore, in my life and grateful for the path to maintain and grow that state, just for today.

∞ DT ∞