Blog entry for:

missing connection between myself and the rest of the world. once upon a time and it was not all that long ago, i thought i was complete and whole. i did not need the world, and the world and everyone in it OWED me something. as i was saying the other day i was entitled to certain things and did not have to give anything in return. what is really ironic, at lest these days, is when i hear the same attitude coming out of the mouths of my peers, some of them who have a whole bunch of days clean. that is, however a rabbit hole that will sidetrack me from what i heard this morning.
a missing connection, or better put THE missing connection between myself and the world around me, just may be love. when i came to recovery i was incapable of receiving any love, so more than likely i was unwilling to give the little bit i had, away. it was all about keeping what was mine. DESIRE was my primary motivation and fulfilling my DESIRES as well as feeding the part of me i call addiction, consumed my very being, so love was certainly something i had little time for. lust on the other hand, well that is another story and one i will tell on another day. let me jut say this: the best thing i ever did for myself was to be chaste for a bit of time and allow myself to see that i would not die, if i did not get laid.whoops there i go again.
DESIRE and ADDICTION drove my daily activities and when i got clean and added recovery into the mix, strange things started happening. over time, i saw that those twin engines of destruction had been switched into an idle state and that there was a whole lot more that i needed as a person, connection to the world around me, rising to the top of that stack, for instance. as the recovery portion of the being that is me, started to permeate through the layers of denial, substitution and rationalization, i came to see, that even if i thought this whole notion of love was corny, maybe, just maybe, i could start accepting the offerings i was getting, and start returning them to my friends, my peers, and my family. over time, i came to see that this was the only way, i was ever connect to the world round me. expectations, resentments, envy and jealousy prevent me from seeing others as they are and as i realize that they are just like me, i can learn to love them, even if their behaviors and how they treat others, makes my skin crawl.
so time to get out of the motel room, get some real coffee and something to eat and join my peers in our celebration of recovery. i may not be the greaatest at this whole exchanging of love thing, but i am better than i ever was, and for that, i am grateful, juts for today.

∞ DT ∞