Blog entry for:

new frontiers are open to me as i learn how to give and RECEIVE love. to anyone who suffered through my tirade yesterday, i commend you on your perseverance. when i got to the end, i did not realize how much i had written, and when i looked at the word count, i was astounded.
so much for the past, what about this morning? well i did something i usually do not do, i rad my entry for last year, and as pissed-off and petulant i was a year ago, i cannot remember the event or the person that tripped it off, some big deal!? this morning? well i am sad that i cannot go down to Cañon City for the next month or so, as my sponsee has acted-out and is paying the consequences for his behavior. i am glad that i have a massage scheduled for today, and there may be an answer there for something that has been bugging me over the past eight or nine days. i have work to do, and some service to do, and now i have an extra day to do it. oh yeah,. and some personal stuff to deal with, mainly getting in touch with my sponsor and doing a bit of step work.
okay the bidness at hand, learning to love. i am not overly fond of the whole new age idea about love being about the flow of energy. in fact, i am not overly fond of a lot of the psycho-babble new age stuff i hear in my day to day living. so when i get to a mushy touchy-feely topic such as love, i am often at a loss for what top write about. it is quite true, that by the time i came to recovery, i had disconnected myself so far from the world that i was incapable of recognizing love, much less feeling it, receiving it or giving it. here in the rooms i heard over and over the truism about how they would love me, until i learned to love myself, but i quickly dumped that into the ‘oh yeah, are you fargin serious’ category. only time, a bit of step work, and sticking around revealed what they were talking about way back when, however my emotional reaction was so strong back then, that this is one of those cutesy little sayings that rarely come out of my mouth. as i saw what love was, i began to recognize that love was already present in my life. my family had not left me to rot, even though i maintained a great distance from them, back in my using days. my first sponsor guided me through the steps, even though i did everything i could, short of physical violence to deter him. and the fellowship kept telling to keep coming back, even though i was abusive, abrasive and angry.
bit by bit, i relearned to recognize what love is, and as i started to see that, i began to relearn the art of sharing love freely and unconditionally. with the lifting of conditions, i became able to give and receive love freely and a new world opened to me. which brings me to the here and now. considering my losses over the past few weeks, considering what bi have gained as a result of those losses and looking at the drama swirling around, i am struck be how obtuse i can be, especially when it comes to this whole love gig. so i do believe i will allow myself to feel my way through the rest of this day, get a nice walk in and see what happens. life is good this morning, and i will do what i can to make it better for myself and more importantly for all those i happen to touch as i go through the business of living, just for today.

∞ DT ∞