Blog entry for:

although i am not a carbon copy of my peers, by any stretch of imagination, either. this morning, as i prepare to head out to face the world, what bubbles up to the top of my stack, is of course STEP ONE and how i have been using it to separate me from peers in recovery. the attack has been two-pronged and quite thorough in its relentless march.
the most obvious attack vector has been my shift in spirituality and the same factors that almost made me walk away, as i honestly embraced where i had been going since the dawn of my recovery, has been in play again, being a “God-less heathen” in a fellowship that strongly suggests a personal relationship with some sort of HIGHER POWER certainly sets me apart. as i grow more comfortable with where i am, i can hear the reservation being formed ➽ “i cannot possibly stay clean with a group of people, no matter how like-minded they may be, if i do not submit to the Western version of GOD, at least in some titular manner. if i want to practice my spirituality and be accepted, i need to either hide that path under the fog of disingenuous use of vague platitudes and clichés, or seek recovery elsewhere.”
to me, this reservation, in and of itself, reeks of irony and is certainly rooted in my rebellious nature. it plays so nicely with my other reservation ➽ that people, like me, that have not used in decades, are probably not addicts and could probably have an occasional micro-brew or toke, after all, the driving force that dragged me into the rooms, has been removed form my life and i am a citizen now. clean time does equal social acceptability which equals being “recovered.”
as those two tiny reservations work against me, i find myself attending less meetings, interacting less with my peers, save those i call my friends and generally pulling away from the drama and the trauma that is the lively and boisterous fellowship that is my current home. i find other “activities” and new interests and as one who has wrapped himself in the security blanket of the fellowship for decades, it feels exhilarating and oh so freaking cool, to do so. i tell myself that maybe three meetings a week is too many and that hanging with my peers is too exhausting, after all, they cannot begin to understand what it is like to be clean for as long as i have been clean. i start to wonder how the fVck i got here, when the answer is right in front of me ➽ I AM AN ADDICT and I AM POWERLESS OVER ADDICTION!
yes the foil to my reservations is in the first part of the step that is working me over very hard and perhaps as i drive home from Colorado Springs, i will finally see some HOPE rather than the disparate desperation i am feeling right now. the step of the year club is beginning to take its toll on me, or perhaps it is my resistance to looking at myself through a new set of lenses that is at the root of my growing dis-ease. it does not really matter, life is good enough today, that i can take the trip down to see my sponsor, open up to him about how i am feeling and allow myself to actually understand why i keep coming back, there must be some pay-off, that is greater than the alternative and i do not believe that it is because i am some masochistic martyr, just for today.

∞ DT ∞