๐ต i lacked trust ๐ต
Posted: Sat, May 24, 2025 09:15:02 AM
in others and avoided being vulnerable at all costs! i could blame my culture, i did grow up in a time of toxic masculinity as the norm. i could blame genetic, my Mom was one of the least social people i have ever seen. i could blame my emotional stability as i had none. or i could blame addiction. the fact of the matter is, these days, why i am the way i am and why i was that way when i came to recovery, is far from relevant. i am tired of the “fucking whys” and am living a life full of “how do i's.”
i, like many of my peers, twisted, turned and spun down, on how i got the way i was and why it was taking so long to get better. for me, all that angst led to a solution., work the steps or die MF. i am far from perfect at letting go of what once was, as one can tell by perusing the corpus of this exercise. i do, however, live a life where i allow others to see me, exactly as i am today, assets and flaws hanging out all over the place, rather than the nice neat little package, i used to present to the world. that n=behavior kept me apart from the very source of what i need to know, to live a program of recovery. in my times of need, rather than withdraw into my shell, i am learning to reach out and allow myself to be helped by those who care for me.
i have to say though, i am far from fearless when i live in this manner. there is still a dread that letting someone in, will end up in pain and suffering, MINE! what i have learned to do, is discern whether or not it is worth the risk of allowing that person to see me and understanding that any pain they may cause me, will more than likely be emotional only, and i am quite sure i can survive an emotional hurt these days. that may not have been the case, way back when, but juts for today, i know that i have the strength of those who are part of my life, to support me, when i am wounded.
i, like many of my peers, twisted, turned and spun down, on how i got the way i was and why it was taking so long to get better. for me, all that angst led to a solution., work the steps or die MF. i am far from perfect at letting go of what once was, as one can tell by perusing the corpus of this exercise. i do, however, live a life where i allow others to see me, exactly as i am today, assets and flaws hanging out all over the place, rather than the nice neat little package, i used to present to the world. that n=behavior kept me apart from the very source of what i need to know, to live a program of recovery. in my times of need, rather than withdraw into my shell, i am learning to reach out and allow myself to be helped by those who care for me.
i have to say though, i am far from fearless when i live in this manner. there is still a dread that letting someone in, will end up in pain and suffering, MINE! what i have learned to do, is discern whether or not it is worth the risk of allowing that person to see me and understanding that any pain they may cause me, will more than likely be emotional only, and i am quite sure i can survive an emotional hurt these days. that may not have been the case, way back when, but juts for today, i know that i have the strength of those who are part of my life, to support me, when i am wounded.
∞ DT ∞