Blog entry for:

plans and goals, i have for my life. somewhere down the line i got the notion that surrendering my will and my life into the care of a HIGHER POWER meant that is was fated to whatever was written and i should not question the will of GOD. if good things came to me, that was GOD's will and if not so good things occur , well GOD works in mysterious ways. i never totally bought into that paradigm, but drank just enough of that Kool-Ade, to be able to feel as one with my peers. it took a few years until i finally heard that explicitly that: “There is nothing in the program that says we should not think for ourselves, take initiative, and put responsible plans into action.”
even given that sort of FREEDOM, i still was more than a bit hesitation to move forward on some of my most ambitious plans, believing that i, in and of myself, was incapable of separating out self-will, true will and GOD's will. i was not that far off the mark, i do need help from time to time and can get that from my sponsor, my peers and sometimes random folks that cross my path. one idea my sponse keeps coming back to me with, is that i have been clean and living a program, long enough now, that i can start to trust my intuition and and perhaps the very first thought i have is not wrong. i often want to scream that the gifts of recovery in my life, a successful career, a home that i own, dependable transportation, friends and long-term relationships are the result of my efforts in a partnership with the POWER that fuels my recovery. what i have, was not handed to me on a silver platter, no matter how often or how hard i prayed for it. i sometimes find myself “tuning out” when i hear a peer expressing gratitude for all that “GOD has given them,” and that is certainly my stuff and not theirs. i do not want to give the impression that somehow their spiritual path is inferior to mine. if one really compares theirs to mine, one may find mine is further from the suggested guidelines and i am coloring way out of the lines. what i am saying, however, that yes the program and the POWER that fuels my recovery has presented me with many opportunities to achieve my goals, my ambitions and fulfill my plans. i am grateful for that and all the opportunities i am presented with, every single waking moment of my life today. i am more than pissed that i slept through my first five or six years of recovery, relying on signs from “on high,” before taking my next move, scared to death that each action i started was self-will run riot.
today? well today, after one of the worst weeks in my recovery life, i will be going into work and seeing what little fires are smoldering. i can be okay knowing that i can make a mistake or two and move along. self-willing the sale of our vacation property has yet to move to completing and i am exhausted with the powerless lessons i have been getting, week after week as this process grinds on and on and on. today i will take the next step and finally let things go, as Mexico and my incompetent brokers and their shoddy legal representation are in control of this aspect of my life. i can be disrespectful, rude and rail about the injustice of it all, but i am way too deep in this swamp to back out now and i hate that, but after the completion of this whole transaction i will get to decide what is the next right thing to do, and it may be a tactical nuclear strike so no one else falls into this particular money pit.

∞ DT ∞