๐ a lifetime ๐
Posted: Thu, Dec 20, 2018 07:43:34 AM
of self-seeking, self-centered behavior, is certainly a HUGE thing to overcome, good thing i have the means, the opportunity and the DESIRE to do something about that past. as i was testing out my project at work yesterday, i stumbled across a **bug** that i need to correct before releasing it to be tested. i started to obsess about it last night, right at bedtime, and finally decided that i was not going to “solve” this issue overnight, in my sleep. yes, it is still on my mind, and i have yet to decide where i am going to handle it, but just for right now, i can let it go and allow myself the freedom to okay with deferring the “fix” until i get into the office.
that may seem a bit unrelated to becoming a better person by overcoming self-obsession, but if one views addiction as a “bug” in my programming of being human, and i often do, than it follows that self=obsession is something that needs to be “coded” for and ameliorated. the hardest part of dealing with being an addict, is that i never wanted to be one, nor did i think i was one. the stories from behind that wall of denial, still are present and the most overarching one is that all of this is something i can walk away from, after all, i did not end-up homeless, jobless, penniless and without anyone in my life. when i look at my so-called “bottom,” and compare it to the “bottoms” that brought my peers to recovery, i feel as if i cannot possibly be an addict, as maybe i did not suffer enough. i lack the desire they speak of and my motivation was certainly centered in self-obsession -- how do i get my arse out of this sling and why will they not just leave me alone🙻
today, as in right here and right now, looking at the problem from this side of that recovery bridge, i wonder how the f*ck i made it through that quarter of a century and survived at all. i had very little going for me, back in those days and yet here i sit, decades later, thinking about how self-obsessed i still find myself to be. it is not about giving myself a break, or about looking at the glass as half empty, but a gut check about where i am today. i still have the DESIRE to be comfortable and get what i want. what i do not have is the desire to get that at any cost and just as he problem at work probably needs to be addressed on the back-end dealing with the garbage it may be sent, so my self-obsession must be dealt with internally, through the changes manifest by living a program of active recovery, just for today.
that may seem a bit unrelated to becoming a better person by overcoming self-obsession, but if one views addiction as a “bug” in my programming of being human, and i often do, than it follows that self=obsession is something that needs to be “coded” for and ameliorated. the hardest part of dealing with being an addict, is that i never wanted to be one, nor did i think i was one. the stories from behind that wall of denial, still are present and the most overarching one is that all of this is something i can walk away from, after all, i did not end-up homeless, jobless, penniless and without anyone in my life. when i look at my so-called “bottom,” and compare it to the “bottoms” that brought my peers to recovery, i feel as if i cannot possibly be an addict, as maybe i did not suffer enough. i lack the desire they speak of and my motivation was certainly centered in self-obsession -- how do i get my arse out of this sling and why will they not just leave me alone🙻
today, as in right here and right now, looking at the problem from this side of that recovery bridge, i wonder how the f*ck i made it through that quarter of a century and survived at all. i had very little going for me, back in those days and yet here i sit, decades later, thinking about how self-obsessed i still find myself to be. it is not about giving myself a break, or about looking at the glass as half empty, but a gut check about where i am today. i still have the DESIRE to be comfortable and get what i want. what i do not have is the desire to get that at any cost and just as he problem at work probably needs to be addressed on the back-end dealing with the garbage it may be sent, so my self-obsession must be dealt with internally, through the changes manifest by living a program of active recovery, just for today.
∞ DT ∞